Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

Oh right, I have this blog. Would be nice if I could just attach the .ass files to these posts, but looks like I can only do that with images. I'd probably have to upload them somewhere and then provide direct links. For now, the first twelve episodes are all available at Nyaa Torrents. I'm planning on releasing Bluray timed versions of the .ass files. I've taken advantage of the week off to learn some advanced (well, beginner, I just didn't know them) timing techniques, and have revised versions of the first four episodes completed. Guess I could put out TV versions of the revised subs before doing the Bluray versions. If I can figure out an easy way to post the links here.

The Zerozaki CCG

Starting with the second Zerozaki novel, each book in the series came with six cards from a fake/parody collectible card game.

Each card has an affiliation in the upper right hand corner; three stats (Life in green, Attack in red, and Defense in Blue); and a unique trait.

These cards did get shuffled once, but I think I've got them matched to the novel they came with.

Zerozaki Kishishiki's Human Knock

Zerozaki Hitoshiki

Psycho

"Migiwame Toshiki"

One turn in three: Unable to attack.

[This particular card and novel feature a young Hitoshiki, one still using his original name from before he 'awakened' and joined the Zerozaki family.]

Zerozaki Kishishiki

Psycho

"Folly's Praise."

If there are cards placed on both sides, attack is halved.

[Zerozaki characters often share a nickname with their signature weapon, and these nicknames are a translator's nightmare; the kanji and the rubi being unrelated. For example, the kanji here are a reference to In Praise of Folly, but the rubi are katakana -- a cryptic English nickname. In this case, Seamless Bias. (Probably.) The cards, fortunately, do not have any rubi, so I don't have to deal with this here.]

Zerozaki Soushiki

Psycho

"Suicidal Tendencies"

If the card being fought is female or a boy, all stats are tripled.

[Since I just did the research, I did find a Japanese reader's theory that Soushiki's alternate nickname is a reference to German philosopher Philipp Mainländer.]

Saijou Tamamo

Student

"Berserker"

Attacks allies two out of three turns.

Hagihara Shiogi

Student

"Strategist"

Can rearrange all cards in play (but not destroy them.)

Aikawa Jun

Consultant

"Humanity's Strongest"

When this card is placed on the field, all cards in play or in the hand for all players are instantly destroyed.

Zerozaki Magashiki's Human Human

Zerozaki Magashiki

Psycho

"Girlish"

Can place all allied cards in play wherever he pleases.

Yuigahama Puniko

Servant

"Mechanical Maid"

Invincible until attacked ten times. Ceases to function on the eleventh attack.

Migishita Rurero

Controller

"Human Puppeteer"

For every turn she survives an enemy attack she can place any card in play under her control.

Agemaki Saera

Hitman

"The Three Agemaki Sisters"

While in play, they may attack three turns in a row once.

Tsumiguchi Tsumiyuki

Smith

"Weapon Smith"

Link to a character in play to double that character's damage -- and double damage received.

Omokage Magokoro

Alternate

"The Orange Seed"

The only card that can cancel Aikawa Jun's effect.

Zerozaki Hitoshiki's Human Relations: Relations with Nyounomiya Izumu

Nyounomiya Izumu

Hitman

"Cannibal"

Can return from death as often as he is killed. Effect invalid against Zerozaki Hitoshiki.

Naoki Dorotabou

Fighter

"Naoki Three Musketeers"

Number of attacks increases for each turn in play. (12 max.)

Naoki Enenra

Fighter

"Naoki Three Musketeers"

Number of attacks increases for each turn in play (2 max.)

Naoki Hienma

Fighter

"Naoki Three Musketeers"

Can add his opponent's attack value to his own.

Kunagisa Nao

Kunagisa

"Target"

When attacked, he adds the damage to his life.

Saitou Takashi

Worst

"Humanity's Worst"

Invalidates the effects of all cards in play. This effect lasts forever.

[All stats = 4]

Zerozaki Hitoshiki's Human Relations: Relations with Mutou Iori

Zerozaki Hitoshiki (19)

Psycho

"Human Failure"

Attack doubles when life is less than 100.

Mutou Iori

Psycho

"New Suicidal Tendencies"

Goes berserk when life is less than 100. Attack x 10.

Yamiguchi Houko

Slave

"Beautiful Girl"

Undetectable by enemy cards for five turns

Ishinagi Toishi

Reaper

"Reaper"

If he succeeds in an attack, the target card is automatically buried.

Yamiguchi Hyoui

Slave

"Acting Chief"

Can swap places with any card in play, allied or enemy.

Rikka Kajumaru

Darkness

"Crystal Kaiser"

Never loses, no matter what the opponent's stats.

Zerozaki Hitoshi's Human Relations: Relations with Zerozaki Soushiki

Zerozaki Hitoshiki (17)

Psycho

"Human Failure"

Can fight in place of any Psycho card. Stats do not change.

Shibuki Shimetsu

Reaper

"Deliverer of Death"

Able to mimic any card in play. Can control the movements of enemy cards.

Tokinomiya Shigure

Controller

"Puppet Master"

Able to mimic any card in play. While mimicking, can copy their effect.

Nukumori Nukemichi

Lost [Maze? Little to no context available]

"Wrangler"

Can make enemy cards unable to attack.

Tsumiguchi Tsumina

Weapon

"Weapon Smith"

Can attack up to seven times in a row. Cannot be attacked with weapons.

Kino Kichi

Poison

"Carrier"

Enemies cards cannot perceive him.

Zerozaki Hitoshiki's Human Relations: Relations with the Master of Nonsense

Zerozaki Hitoshiki (19)

Psycho

"Human Failure"

If he defeats twelve characters Aikawa Jun is automatically summoned. As an enemy.

Sasa Sasaki

Police

"Police"

Able to remain in play without fighting or being attacked.

Suzunashi Neon

Hermit

"Hermit"

Cannot be introduced to play.

Nanananami Nanami

Fujoshi

"Fujoshi"

Life doubles if two male cards are placed next to each other.

Kunagisa Tomo

Kunagisa

"Engineer"

Able to check all cards in hand as many times as she likes.

Zaregoto Tsukai

Zaregoto

"Defective Product"

All cards adjacent to him, friendly or not, have their effects nullified.

[All stats are 0 -- this card wouldn't even scan]

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 001

Everyone in class knew that Senjogahara Hitagi was sick. She never once took part in gym class, and whenever there was an outdoor assembly, she would sit by herself in the shade...afraid of passing out, probably. I'd been in the same class as her for all three years of high school, but I had never once seen her move in a manner that could be described as lively. She was a regular in the nurse's office, and frequent doctor's appointments often left her arriving late, leaving early, or not showing up at all. To the point where people wondered aloud if she lived at the hospital.

She was obviously sick, but that in no way suggests she seemed feeble. She was brittle, like she'd break if you touched her, but in delicate, ethereal way that had earned her a small but devoted following among a certain segment of her male classmates. There was something about her that reminded them of a character from literature -- a convalescing heiress. I could not claim to disagree.

When she came to class, Senjogahara sat in the corner of the room, reading. She read anything from hardcovers with daunting titles to comics with a cover design that suggested reading them could actually made you stupid. She was indiscriminate, to say the least. If there were words, she would read it -- I could descry no other logic behind her choices.

She was, apparently, brilliant. One of the best students in the school.

When they posted exam results, Senjogahara Hitagi's name was always in the top ten. No matter what subject. I was getting failing grades in everything but math, not even in sight of her league. I was sure there must be something fundamentally different about the way out brains were constructed.

She had no friends.

Not one.

I had never seen her so much as speak to another human being. If you looked carefully, you might even begin to suspect the reason she was always reading was to make it harder for people to talk to her. Deliberately building a wall around her. I sat right next to Senjogahara for two years, and I can safely say I never once heard her utter an unsolicited word. I'm sure she didn't. My full knowledge of her voice came from those rare occasions when a teacher called on her, in which case she would only murmur, "I don't know." Even if she obviously knew the answer. Schools are fundamentally very strange places -- in school, people with no friends wind up being friends with each other. Even someone like me, until last year. Senjogahara proved to be the exception to that rule. And yet, she was not ostracized. There was no persecution or hostility directed at her, seriously or in jest. Not that I ever saw. Senjogahara was just always there, reading, as if that was her place in the world. Behind that wall she made.

As if she belonged there.

As if she did not belong there.

And the truth was, it didn't matter. Three years of high school, two hundred students a year, two years above you, two years below you, faculty and staff -- a thousand people, give or take. Out of which, how many could ever really matter to you? A question designed to depress just about anybody, I know.

Even if, by some fluke, I found myself in the same class as someone three years running, I could not see the point in caring that I'd never spoken to them. That's just the way things turned out. Looking back, I'm sure that's what I thought. I was graduating in a year, had no idea what would happen to me then, and frankly...I could not have remembered what she looked like, nor would I have thought to try.

And that was fine. I'm positive Senjogahara was fine with it too. Anyone in the school would have been equally fine with it. Getting depressed about something like that is probably cause for concern.

Or so I thought.

But then...

One day.

To be precise, my third year freshly started, my hellish joke of a spring vacation concluded, and my nightmarish trip of a Golden Week narrowly escaped -- May 8th.

Late as always, I was bounding up the steps to school, rounding a landing...when a girl fell from the sky.
Senjogahara Hitagi.

Okay, not literally from the sky, she had simply missed her footing on the stairs and fallen backwards towards me. I could have moved out of the way, but instead...I caught her.

I believe this was the right choice.
But it may have been entirely the wrong one.

You see...

When I caught Senjogahara, her body...was incredibly light. Unbelievably, unimaginably, unnervingly light.

As if she did not exist at all.

Yes.

Senjogahara literally weighed next to nothing.

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 002

When I asked, Hanekawa crooked her head. "Senjogahara-san? What about her?"

"Well, um..." I wasn't sure what to say. "I was just curious."

"Hunh."

"I mean, Senjogahara Hitagi's kind of a weird name."

"Senjogahara's a place, you know."

"Ah, no, not that name. I meant the other one."

"Senjogahara's given name is Hitagi, right? Is it that unusual? It's from a civil engineering term, isn't it?"

"You know everything."

"I do not. I only know what I know."

Hanekawa didn't completely buy my explanation, but instead of asking more questions, she just said, "It isn't like you to be interested in others, Araragi-kun."

"Gimme a break," I said.

Hanekawa Tsubasa.

She was the class president.

In fact, she looked exactly like a class president - neatly braided hair, glasses, great posture, neatly groomed, very serious...all the teachers loved her. A type quickly becoming an endangered species even in manga and anime. As if she had been class president her entire life, and would find a way to be class president in spirit as long as she lived, even after she graduated. The class president to end all class presidents. People said it was as if God himself had designed her to be the ideal class president. And by people I mean me.

We'd been in different classes our first two years, and had only just become classmates a month before. But I had known about her all along. Everybody did. Senjogahara's grades were among the best in the school, but Hanekawa's were the best in the school. In all subjects, on all tests, 100%. Her second year first semester finals in particular were the stuff of legend -- in all subjects, including gym and art, she missed exactly one problem...an extra credit question from Japanese History. She was a monster. You hear about people like that whether you've met them or not.

And.

To my dismay, albeit my good fortune, Hanekawa was incredibly good at taking care of endlessly exasperating things. She was a genuinely good person. And a very headstrong one, which is where the dismay comes in. As earnest types are wont to do, once she had made up her mind that decision could not be shaken. I had first met her over spring break, and no sooner than she learned we were in the same class did she declare that she was going to rehabilitate me.

I wasn't a troublemaker or anything. I didn't cause any problems. I was just sitting in class, minding my own business. So her declaration felt like Zeus had thrown a lightning bolt aimed directly at me. No matter how much I protested I was unable to convince her to abandon the notion, and before I knew it, I was the class vice president, and today I was here after hours forced to plan what our class was doing for the Culture Festival in mid-June.

"We don't have to do anything too intense for the Culture Festival. We're supposed to be concentrating on our exams, after all," Hanekawa said.

This clear delineation of priorities was part of why she was the class president to end all class presidents.

"There isn't much point in putting out a survey that's too vague, so we should narrow it down ahead of time and let them pick from the list of candidates."

"Sounds good. Creates the illusion of democracy."

"Must you always be so prickly, Araragi-kun?"

"I'm not prickly. Nor am I pointy."

"Why don't we start like this -- Araragi-kun, what did your class do last year and the year before?"

"Haunted house and a cafe."

"Standard. Too standard. You might even call them average."

"Yeah."

"You might even go so far as common."

"That's going too far."

"Ah ha ha."

"Nothing wrong with taking the easy way out. We're supposed to be having fun with it, after all. Hmm. Now that I think back, Senjogahara skipped both Culture Festivals."

Last year...and the year before.

Not just the Culture Festivals - she never once attended anything outside of the regular classes. Sports festival, class trips, camping, field trips, she skipped them all. Her doctors must have stopped her -- I assume. Seems strange in hindsight. Being banned from exercise is one thing, but from all activities? That's downright strange.

But maybe...

If I hadn't been imagining things...

If Senjogahara really didn't weigh anything...

Outside of class, in a more chaotic environment, where she might bump up against people unexpectedly...I could see why she'd want to avoid that.

"Are you really that into her?"

"No, not like that, but..."

"Men. They all go for the sick ones. Such beasts, the lot of you," Hanekawa teased.

Not a side of her I saw a lot.

"Sick, hunh..."

I suppose she was.

But was that a disease?

Was that all it was?

If you said she was so weak she'd lost weight, that would make sense, but this was way beyond that kind of weight loss.
No matter how thin a girl she was, she'd fallen all the way down a flight of stairs. I could very easily have hurt myself catching her.

But there was no impact at all.

"But you must know Senjogahara-san better than me. You've been in the same class all three years."

"Yeah, I have...but sometimes girls know more about girls than guys do."

"We do, but usually things we can't very go around telling guys."

"I know."

Of course I did.

"Then let me ask as the class vice president. In your capacity as class president, what do you make of her?"

"If you put it like that," she said (her hand never once stopped moving, writing and erasing ideas from a list of Culture Fair candidates), "Senjogahara's name might be a bit war-like, but she's a good student, and never causes problems. She's smart, and she never skips out on cleaning duty."

"Yeah. I know that much myself. I'm looking for something I don't know."

"But I've only been in class with her a month. I guess I just don't know. Especially with Golden Week in the middle."

"Golden Week, hunh?"

"Mm? What about it?"

"Nothing. Go on."

"Okay. She's not really talkative...and it doesn't seem like she has any friends. I've tried talking to her a few times, but it's like she's put up walls around herself."

Wow. She'd actually tried.

I'd suspected she had, which is why I'd asked her.

"It's hard," Hanekawa said.

Grimly.

"She was so much more cheerful and outgoing in junior high."

"You went to the same school as her?"

"Mm? Isn't that why you asked me?"

She seemed genuinely taken aback.

"Yeah, I did. Kiyokaze Junior High. Public school. We weren't in the same class, but Senjogahara-san was pretty famous."

More than you? I almost asked. I just barely stopped myself in time. Hanekawa loathed being treated like she was famous. She apparently viewed herself as a very ordinary, unremarkable girl...perhaps a little more serious than most. A very unrealistic self-image, if you ask me, but she fervently believed that anyone could be like her if they just studied harder.

"She was very beautiful, and good at sports."

"She was an athlete?"

"Star of the track team. Left a few school records in her wake."

"Wow."

So her condition came about after that.

Seeing her now, it was hard to imagine Senjogahara had ever been outgoing or athletic.

"So I've certainly heard things about her."

"Such as?"

"She had a reputation as being super friendly. Nice to everyone. Almost too good to be true, the way peopled talked about her. And she worked really hard. Her dad was a big shot at an international company, so her house was amazing, and she was clearly rich, but she never seemed stuck up at all. As if she were born great, and trying to be greater."

"Sounds amazing."

Sure, half of that was exaggerated.

Rumors being what they were.

"Of course, this is all back then."

"..and now?"

"Her health failed her, apparently. Before she entered high school. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw her. She simply isn't the kind of person who sits alone in the corner. At least, not in my mind."

Not that Hanekawa's mind allowed for it.

But people change.

Junior high and high school are like different planets. For me, and for Hanekawa as well, I'm sure. Senjogahara was the same. Maybe something happened to her, maybe she had just gotten sick. There were any number of reasons for the change in her. Why she stopped being cheerful, stopped being friendly. The weaker you get physically, the harder it is to keep your mind strong. Especially if it meant giving up what you loved. It made sense. It would probably have been true.

If it weren't for this morning...

I would have been sure of it.

"But...and I probably shouldn't say this. Senjogahara-san...she's..."

"She's what?"

"She's much more beautiful now."

She let that hang for a moment.

"Her very existence...seems so delicate."

Can you blame me for falling silent?

What she meant...

Her existence...was delicate.

Like she was barely there.

Like a ghost?

Senjogahara Hitagi.

A sick girl.

A girl who weighed nothing.

Rumors...stories.

Urban legends.

Ghost stories.

Idle gossip.

Half-truths.

"Oh, crap...I just remembered."

"Mm?"

"Oshino asked me to come by today."

"Oshino-san did? Why?"

"Help him out a bit."

"Oh? Well..." Hanekawa frowned.

The sudden change of topic -- a blatant attempt to end the conversation, really -- had clearly aroused her suspicions. Helping him out was a fairly evasive excuse, as well. This is why smart people are hard to deal with.

They sometimes don't want to take the hint.

I stood up, forcing things along. "So I'd better be off. Can I leave the rest to you, Hanekawa?"

"If you promise to make it up to me, I'll let you go. You can't very well keep Oshino-san waiting," she relented, at last.

Oshino's name had done the trick. Hanekawa owed him a lot. As did I. And she was not one to forget things like that. Which is exactly why I'd dropped his name here. It wasn't entirely a lie, but...

"You don't mind me deciding all the candidates myself? I'll let you glance over them first."

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Say hi to Oshino."

"Will do."

I left the room.