Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 001

Everyone in class knew that Senjogahara Hitagi was sick. She never once took part in gym class, and whenever there was an outdoor assembly, she would sit by herself in the shade...afraid of passing out, probably. I'd been in the same class as her for all three years of high school, but I had never once seen her move in a manner that could be described as lively. She was a regular in the nurse's office, and frequent doctor's appointments often left her arriving late, leaving early, or not showing up at all. To the point where people wondered aloud if she lived at the hospital.

She was obviously sick, but that in no way suggests she seemed feeble. She was brittle, like she'd break if you touched her, but in delicate, ethereal way that had earned her a small but devoted following among a certain segment of her male classmates. There was something about her that reminded them of a character from literature -- a convalescing heiress. I could not claim to disagree.

When she came to class, Senjogahara sat in the corner of the room, reading. She read anything from hardcovers with daunting titles to comics with a cover design that suggested reading them could actually made you stupid. She was indiscriminate, to say the least. If there were words, she would read it -- I could descry no other logic behind her choices.

She was, apparently, brilliant. One of the best students in the school.

When they posted exam results, Senjogahara Hitagi's name was always in the top ten. No matter what subject. I was getting failing grades in everything but math, not even in sight of her league. I was sure there must be something fundamentally different about the way out brains were constructed.

She had no friends.

Not one.

I had never seen her so much as speak to another human being. If you looked carefully, you might even begin to suspect the reason she was always reading was to make it harder for people to talk to her. Deliberately building a wall around her. I sat right next to Senjogahara for two years, and I can safely say I never once heard her utter an unsolicited word. I'm sure she didn't. My full knowledge of her voice came from those rare occasions when a teacher called on her, in which case she would only murmur, "I don't know." Even if she obviously knew the answer. Schools are fundamentally very strange places -- in school, people with no friends wind up being friends with each other. Even someone like me, until last year. Senjogahara proved to be the exception to that rule. And yet, she was not ostracized. There was no persecution or hostility directed at her, seriously or in jest. Not that I ever saw. Senjogahara was just always there, reading, as if that was her place in the world. Behind that wall she made.

As if she belonged there.

As if she did not belong there.

And the truth was, it didn't matter. Three years of high school, two hundred students a year, two years above you, two years below you, faculty and staff -- a thousand people, give or take. Out of which, how many could ever really matter to you? A question designed to depress just about anybody, I know.

Even if, by some fluke, I found myself in the same class as someone three years running, I could not see the point in caring that I'd never spoken to them. That's just the way things turned out. Looking back, I'm sure that's what I thought. I was graduating in a year, had no idea what would happen to me then, and frankly...I could not have remembered what she looked like, nor would I have thought to try.

And that was fine. I'm positive Senjogahara was fine with it too. Anyone in the school would have been equally fine with it. Getting depressed about something like that is probably cause for concern.

Or so I thought.

But then...

One day.

To be precise, my third year freshly started, my hellish joke of a spring vacation concluded, and my nightmarish trip of a Golden Week narrowly escaped -- May 8th.

Late as always, I was bounding up the steps to school, rounding a landing...when a girl fell from the sky.
Senjogahara Hitagi.

Okay, not literally from the sky, she had simply missed her footing on the stairs and fallen backwards towards me. I could have moved out of the way, but instead...I caught her.

I believe this was the right choice.
But it may have been entirely the wrong one.

You see...

When I caught Senjogahara, her body...was incredibly light. Unbelievably, unimaginably, unnervingly light.

As if she did not exist at all.

Yes.

Senjogahara literally weighed next to nothing.

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 002

When I asked, Hanekawa crooked her head. "Senjogahara-san? What about her?"

"Well, um..." I wasn't sure what to say. "I was just curious."

"Hunh."

"I mean, Senjogahara Hitagi's kind of a weird name."

"Senjogahara's a place, you know."

"Ah, no, not that name. I meant the other one."

"Senjogahara's given name is Hitagi, right? Is it that unusual? It's from a civil engineering term, isn't it?"

"You know everything."

"I do not. I only know what I know."

Hanekawa didn't completely buy my explanation, but instead of asking more questions, she just said, "It isn't like you to be interested in others, Araragi-kun."

"Gimme a break," I said.

Hanekawa Tsubasa.

She was the class president.

In fact, she looked exactly like a class president - neatly braided hair, glasses, great posture, neatly groomed, very serious...all the teachers loved her. A type quickly becoming an endangered species even in manga and anime. As if she had been class president her entire life, and would find a way to be class president in spirit as long as she lived, even after she graduated. The class president to end all class presidents. People said it was as if God himself had designed her to be the ideal class president. And by people I mean me.

We'd been in different classes our first two years, and had only just become classmates a month before. But I had known about her all along. Everybody did. Senjogahara's grades were among the best in the school, but Hanekawa's were the best in the school. In all subjects, on all tests, 100%. Her second year first semester finals in particular were the stuff of legend -- in all subjects, including gym and art, she missed exactly one problem...an extra credit question from Japanese History. She was a monster. You hear about people like that whether you've met them or not.

And.

To my dismay, albeit my good fortune, Hanekawa was incredibly good at taking care of endlessly exasperating things. She was a genuinely good person. And a very headstrong one, which is where the dismay comes in. As earnest types are wont to do, once she had made up her mind that decision could not be shaken. I had first met her over spring break, and no sooner than she learned we were in the same class did she declare that she was going to rehabilitate me.

I wasn't a troublemaker or anything. I didn't cause any problems. I was just sitting in class, minding my own business. So her declaration felt like Zeus had thrown a lightning bolt aimed directly at me. No matter how much I protested I was unable to convince her to abandon the notion, and before I knew it, I was the class vice president, and today I was here after hours forced to plan what our class was doing for the Culture Festival in mid-June.

"We don't have to do anything too intense for the Culture Festival. We're supposed to be concentrating on our exams, after all," Hanekawa said.

This clear delineation of priorities was part of why she was the class president to end all class presidents.

"There isn't much point in putting out a survey that's too vague, so we should narrow it down ahead of time and let them pick from the list of candidates."

"Sounds good. Creates the illusion of democracy."

"Must you always be so prickly, Araragi-kun?"

"I'm not prickly. Nor am I pointy."

"Why don't we start like this -- Araragi-kun, what did your class do last year and the year before?"

"Haunted house and a cafe."

"Standard. Too standard. You might even call them average."

"Yeah."

"You might even go so far as common."

"That's going too far."

"Ah ha ha."

"Nothing wrong with taking the easy way out. We're supposed to be having fun with it, after all. Hmm. Now that I think back, Senjogahara skipped both Culture Festivals."

Last year...and the year before.

Not just the Culture Festivals - she never once attended anything outside of the regular classes. Sports festival, class trips, camping, field trips, she skipped them all. Her doctors must have stopped her -- I assume. Seems strange in hindsight. Being banned from exercise is one thing, but from all activities? That's downright strange.

But maybe...

If I hadn't been imagining things...

If Senjogahara really didn't weigh anything...

Outside of class, in a more chaotic environment, where she might bump up against people unexpectedly...I could see why she'd want to avoid that.

"Are you really that into her?"

"No, not like that, but..."

"Men. They all go for the sick ones. Such beasts, the lot of you," Hanekawa teased.

Not a side of her I saw a lot.

"Sick, hunh..."

I suppose she was.

But was that a disease?

Was that all it was?

If you said she was so weak she'd lost weight, that would make sense, but this was way beyond that kind of weight loss.
No matter how thin a girl she was, she'd fallen all the way down a flight of stairs. I could very easily have hurt myself catching her.

But there was no impact at all.

"But you must know Senjogahara-san better than me. You've been in the same class all three years."

"Yeah, I have...but sometimes girls know more about girls than guys do."

"We do, but usually things we can't very go around telling guys."

"I know."

Of course I did.

"Then let me ask as the class vice president. In your capacity as class president, what do you make of her?"

"If you put it like that," she said (her hand never once stopped moving, writing and erasing ideas from a list of Culture Fair candidates), "Senjogahara's name might be a bit war-like, but she's a good student, and never causes problems. She's smart, and she never skips out on cleaning duty."

"Yeah. I know that much myself. I'm looking for something I don't know."

"But I've only been in class with her a month. I guess I just don't know. Especially with Golden Week in the middle."

"Golden Week, hunh?"

"Mm? What about it?"

"Nothing. Go on."

"Okay. She's not really talkative...and it doesn't seem like she has any friends. I've tried talking to her a few times, but it's like she's put up walls around herself."

Wow. She'd actually tried.

I'd suspected she had, which is why I'd asked her.

"It's hard," Hanekawa said.

Grimly.

"She was so much more cheerful and outgoing in junior high."

"You went to the same school as her?"

"Mm? Isn't that why you asked me?"

She seemed genuinely taken aback.

"Yeah, I did. Kiyokaze Junior High. Public school. We weren't in the same class, but Senjogahara-san was pretty famous."

More than you? I almost asked. I just barely stopped myself in time. Hanekawa loathed being treated like she was famous. She apparently viewed herself as a very ordinary, unremarkable girl...perhaps a little more serious than most. A very unrealistic self-image, if you ask me, but she fervently believed that anyone could be like her if they just studied harder.

"She was very beautiful, and good at sports."

"She was an athlete?"

"Star of the track team. Left a few school records in her wake."

"Wow."

So her condition came about after that.

Seeing her now, it was hard to imagine Senjogahara had ever been outgoing or athletic.

"So I've certainly heard things about her."

"Such as?"

"She had a reputation as being super friendly. Nice to everyone. Almost too good to be true, the way peopled talked about her. And she worked really hard. Her dad was a big shot at an international company, so her house was amazing, and she was clearly rich, but she never seemed stuck up at all. As if she were born great, and trying to be greater."

"Sounds amazing."

Sure, half of that was exaggerated.

Rumors being what they were.

"Of course, this is all back then."

"..and now?"

"Her health failed her, apparently. Before she entered high school. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw her. She simply isn't the kind of person who sits alone in the corner. At least, not in my mind."

Not that Hanekawa's mind allowed for it.

But people change.

Junior high and high school are like different planets. For me, and for Hanekawa as well, I'm sure. Senjogahara was the same. Maybe something happened to her, maybe she had just gotten sick. There were any number of reasons for the change in her. Why she stopped being cheerful, stopped being friendly. The weaker you get physically, the harder it is to keep your mind strong. Especially if it meant giving up what you loved. It made sense. It would probably have been true.

If it weren't for this morning...

I would have been sure of it.

"But...and I probably shouldn't say this. Senjogahara-san...she's..."

"She's what?"

"She's much more beautiful now."

She let that hang for a moment.

"Her very existence...seems so delicate."

Can you blame me for falling silent?

What she meant...

Her existence...was delicate.

Like she was barely there.

Like a ghost?

Senjogahara Hitagi.

A sick girl.

A girl who weighed nothing.

Rumors...stories.

Urban legends.

Ghost stories.

Idle gossip.

Half-truths.

"Oh, crap...I just remembered."

"Mm?"

"Oshino asked me to come by today."

"Oshino-san did? Why?"

"Help him out a bit."

"Oh? Well..." Hanekawa frowned.

The sudden change of topic -- a blatant attempt to end the conversation, really -- had clearly aroused her suspicions. Helping him out was a fairly evasive excuse, as well. This is why smart people are hard to deal with.

They sometimes don't want to take the hint.

I stood up, forcing things along. "So I'd better be off. Can I leave the rest to you, Hanekawa?"

"If you promise to make it up to me, I'll let you go. You can't very well keep Oshino-san waiting," she relented, at last.

Oshino's name had done the trick. Hanekawa owed him a lot. As did I. And she was not one to forget things like that. Which is exactly why I'd dropped his name here. It wasn't entirely a lie, but...

"You don't mind me deciding all the candidates myself? I'll let you glance over them first."

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Say hi to Oshino."

"Will do."

I left the room.

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 003

Outside the room, I pushed the door closed, and took one step down the hall, when a voice hit me.

"What were you asking her?"

I turned around.

As I turned, I had no idea who it was -- I didn't recognize the voice. But I had heard the voice before. Any time a teacher called on her, I'd heard that voice say one thing -- "I don't know."

"Don't move."

By this time I had successfully identified her as Senjogahara. I also became aware that as I turned around Senjogahara had slipped a utility knife into my mouth, blade fully extended. Her aim was flawless.

The blade of the knife...

Resting on the inside of my cheek.

I gulped.

"No, that's not completely accurate...you can move if you like, but you do so at your own risk."

She pushed my cheek out with the blade, just hard enough to make her point, but not quite hard enough to draw blood.

I stood there with my mouth wide open like an idiot, not moving a muscle. I had no choice but to do what she said.

I was scared.

Not of the knife.

I was scared of Senjogahara Hitagi, of her cold, unwavering gaze.

I...

I had never thought her capable of this.

But looking at her eyes...

I knew very well the blade in my mouth was not dull from use, and that she was not pressing the back of it against my cheek.

"You have the curiosity of a cockroach. Scuttling after secrets people want left untouched. You know what I do to roaches like you? I squish them. Disgusting little things."

"Um..."

"What? You want one on the right side? You should have said."

The utility knife held steady with her right hand, she raised her left hand so fast I thought she was about to slap me, and stiffened, being very careful not to bite down. But she did not slap me.

There was a stapler in Senjogahara's left hand.

Before I could really get a look at it, it was in my mouth. Of course, not all of it. I only wish it had been. No, Senjogahara slid the stapler onto my cheek - one half on either side.

She squeezed it. Gently.

Like it was nibbling me.

"Ah..."

The heftier top half -- the part with the staples in it -- was inside my mouth, which left my mouth rather full, and me unable to talk. With just the utility knife, I might have been able to utter a few carefully chosen words, but now I did not dare try. Did not dare think of trying.

She put the knife in first to make me open wide, and then followed it with the stapler.

All carefully planned. Terrifyingly planned.

I hadn't had this much crammed in my mouth since I had a cavity filled in seventh grade. I swore never to let that happen again and brushed my teeth every single day, never chewing anything but gum with xylitol, and for this?

The rug yanked out from under me.

In the blink of an eye.

It was impossible to imagine that Hanekawa was just on the other side of this wall, planning for the Culture Festival. An ordinary high school corridor had suddenly transformed into something otherwordly.

Hanekawa...!

Her name might seem war-like, hunh?

She was at war now!

Never trusting your opinion again.

"After asking Hanekawa what I was like in junior high, were you off to talk to Hoshina-sensei? Or maybe straight off to the nurse's office, to see if you can get anything out of Harukami-sensei."

I couldn't speak.

I don't know what she made of that, but Senjogahara sighed.

"It's my fault, really. I have to be extra careful on the stairs. And look what happened! A hundred days of work ruined by a single fart, as the saying goes."

I was surprised to find myself objecting to a teenage girl using a word like fart. Perhaps I'm not as far gone as previously suspected.

"I never suspected there might be a banana peel lying there."

My life was in the hands of a woman who had actually slipped on a banana peel.

What the hell was something like that doing on the school stairs?

"You noticed, didn't you?" Senjogahara asked.

Her eyes like swords.

Convalescing heiress my ass.

"Yes. I weigh nothing."

No...weight.

"Not absolutely nothing. The average weight in kilograms for my height and body type is on the high side of the upper forties."

Fifty kilograms, then.

She pulled my left cheek out as far as it would go.

"I saw your eyes wander. You were imagining me naked, weren't you?"

I seriously wasn't, but I can't say I didn't deserve it.

"So, the high side of the upper forties," she reiterated. This was a point she was prepared to contest, clearly. "But I actually weight only five."

Five kilograms.

Not much different from a newborn baby.

If you imagine it dumbbell-sized, five kilograms is clearly not very close to nothing at all, but five kilograms spread out in something human-sized, diffused into a much larger shape...would naturally feel as if it weighed nothing.

And would be very easy to catch.

"At least, five kilograms is what all devices that can measure body weight display. I can't sense it myself. I don't feel any different from when I was on the high side of the upper forties."

So...

That meant gravity simply didn't exert much influence on her? Looked at as volume rather than mass...since the specific gravity of water was one, and since the human body is almost entirely made of water, the specific gravity and density are also about one, which meant the density of Senjogahara's body was, by rough arithmetic, about a tenth of that.

If her bone density was one tenth normal, then she should be suffering from osteoporosis. Her organs and brain would be unlikely to function normally.

So the theory was wrong.

This wasn't about numbers.

"I know what you're thinking."

She did?

"You're staring at my tits, you dirty little man."

I was not!

That is not what I was thinking!

Apparently Senjogahara was highly conscious of her own appearance. As beautiful as she was, it was hard to blame her -- the class president working on the other side of the wall could probably stand to learn a thing or two.

"I simply cannot abide shallow cretins."

Given my current predicament, I could not see any way to clear up this misunderstanding. Either way, Senjogahara was clearly could not be less like the sickly thing I had previously believed. Someone who weighed five kilograms should be sick, should be frail, and yet she was not. If anything, she seemed more like an alien who had come to earth from a planet with ten times the gravity. She could probably pull off some impressive athletic feats. Especially with her track background. As long as she didn't bump into anything.

"After graduating junior high. Before I started here," Senjogahara said. "A strange time -- not a junior high school student, not yet a high school student, not really on spring vacation. That's when I wound up like this."

Her gaze never wavered.

"That's when I met the crab."

C-crab?

Did she say crab?

The kind of crab you eat in winter?

Crustaceans? Decapod crustaceans?

"It ripped away my weight."

Ripped.

"You don't need to understand. I'm only telling you so I don't have to deal with you asking. Araragi-kun, Araragi-kun, Araragi Koyomi-kun."

Senjogahara...

...began repeating my name.

"I have no weight. I weigh nothing. I do not have this thing called weight. It is not a problem for me. Imagine that I am like a character from Yousuke's Bizarre Adventure. Are you a fan of Takahashi Yousuke?"

Uh...

"The only person who knows about my condition is the nurse, Harukami-sensei. At the moment, he is the only one. Principal Yoshiki and Assistant Principal Shima and the Third Year Head Irinaka and our very own Hoshina-sensei know nothing. Only Harukami-sensei. And now you, Araragi-kun."

Her frown deepened.

"Now, what should I do to ensure you keep my secret? How can I achieve what I want? Should I make you swear you're rather have your cheek slit than breathe a word of it? Or should I seal your lips for good?"

She had the knife.

And the stapler.

Was she sane? Were there really people capable of doing something like this to a classmate? To think I'd been sitting next to someone this utterly terrifying for two years. It sent chills down my spine.

"The doctors say there is no known cause. Perhaps, they think, there is no cause. After all the humiliating things they did to me, that is there conclusion? That this is simply the way I was, and had always been?" Senjogahara spat. "Ridiculous, of course. Until junior high I was an ordinary, adorable girl."

Putting aside the chutzpah it took to call yourself adorable...

The rumors about her hospital visits had been true.

Late arrivals, early departures, absences...

And the school nurse.

I wondered what that was like.

She'd been like this since she started high school. That whole time. Not like me. Not for two short weeks over spring vacation. So much longer.

What had she given up on?

What had she tossed aside?

It was time enough to do a lot of both.

"Do you pity me? How nice of you," Senjogahara snarled. As if she loathed the very idea. "But I don't want you to be nice."
She glared deep into my eyes.

"I want two things. Silence. And disinterest. If you possess the capacity, I suggest you provide them. You wouldn't want anything to happen to this cheek, would you? It doesn't even have any acne."

At this...

Senjogahara smiled.

"If you pledge your silence and disinterest, nod two times, Araragi-kun. I will take anything else, movement or otherwise, to be a sign that you are my enemy, and I will attack immediately."

Not a trace of doubt in her voice.

I had no choice. I nodded.

Twice.

"Good," Senjogahara said, sounding relieved.

Although she had allowed me no choice, although this had not been a deal or an agreement of any kind, simply a demand with which I was forced to comply, she was relieved that I had meekly agreed to her terms.

"Thank you," she added, and took the utility knife away from my left cheek, and slowly -- agonizingly so -- took it out of my mouth. Taking every care not to cut me anywhere.

She slide the blade back into the knife.

One click at a time.

And then, the stapler...

"...agh!?"

Ka-chunk.

I couldn't believe it.

Senjogahara's hand abruptly clamped down on the stapler. Before I could react to the stabbing pain, before I could take any action, she withdrew the stapler.

I crumpled to the floor.

Clutching my cheek.

"Ah....augh..."

"You didn't scream. I'm impressed," Senjogahara said, diffidently.

Looking down at me.

"That should be enough for now. I do hate to go too easy on you, but you did promise, so I will respect that."

"...y-you..."

Ka-chunk.

Before I could say anything, Senjogahara snapped the stapler once again, stapling the air.

The folded staple landed in front of me.

I flinched.

A reflex.

Newly acquired.

"Very well, Araragi-kun. Tomorrow you will ignore me, as promised. Good-bye."

Without bothering to see if I'd respond, Senjogahara turned on her heel, and stalked off down the hall. By the time I managed to stagger to my feet she was out of sight around the corner.

"That woman's like the devil incarnate."

Her brain was fundamentally different.

Even in that situation, even after making that threat...no one would actually do it. I'd been sure of it. I suppose I should be happy she choose to use the stapler.

I rubbed my finger against my cheek -- not to soothe the pain, but to see how bad it was.

Okay.

Not bad. It hadn't gone all the way through.

Then I stuck my fingers into my mouth, and gingerly touched the inside of my cheek. There it was.

Despite the unwavering stabbing pain, part of me had been secretly hoping it would all turn out peacefully, and she had not actually loaded a staple in the front slot, that it had just been an empty threat.

So much for that idea.

It had not gone through my cheek, so the ends of the staple had not bent much; both spikes had gone straight into my flesh. In theory, I should be able to yank it out of their easily enough.

I grabbed it between my index finger and thumb, and pulled.

It hurt a lot. A murky flavor coated my tongue.

Blood.

"...unh..."

Okay.

This was nothing. I could handle it.

I licked the two little holes in the side of my cheek, and slipped the freshly extracted staple into the pocket of my school uniform. I picked up the staple Senjogahara had dropped on the floor, and did the same with it. If someone walked here barefoot, things could get ugly. I now viewed staples in the same light people usually reserved for magnum bullets.

"Mm? Araragi-kun, are you still here?" Hanekawa said, coming out of the classroom.

She must have finished working.

Too late.

Or maybe perfect timing.

"Weren't you in a hurry to get to Oshino-san?" Hanekawa asked.

She had no idea what had happened.

Right there on the other side of the wall...on the other side of this thin, cheaply-constructed wall. Senjogahara Hitagi had managed all that violence without ever letting her know. She was something else.

"Hanekawa, do you like bananas?"

"Hmm? Well, I don't dislike them. They're good for you, so I guess I'd come down on the side of yes."

"No matter how much you like them, do not eat them on school grounds!"

"Hunh?"

"If you do eat them, absolutely do not throw the peel away on the stairs!"

"What are you talking about, Araragi-kun!?" Hanekawa gasped, hand at her mouth.

Couldn't blame her.

"And Araragi-kun, you said Oshino-san --"

"I'm headed over there now," I said.

As I said it, I slipped past Hanekawa, and broke into a run. I heard her shouting after me, "Ah! Hey, Araragi-kun! Don't run in the halls! I'm telling!" but I ignored it.

I ran.

Just ran.

Round the corner to the stairs.

This was the fourth floor.

She wasn't that far away yet.

Hop, step, and jump, down two, three, four steps, sliding on the landing.

My legs hurt from the impact.

The impact of my weight.

An impact...

Senjogahara never felt.

She had no weight.

She weighed nothing.

That would make it hard to keep her footing.

A crab.

She'd said she met a crab.

"Which way? Down!"

She wouldn't turn off the path now. Why would she think I'd come after her? She'd be heading straight for the gate. She wasn't in any clubs, and even if she was, there was nothing that started this late in the day. With that in mind I headed on down the stairs, from the third to the second floor, bounding down the steps.

On the landing between the second and first floors.

I found Senjogahara.

She must have heard me thundering along, tumbling down the stairs behind her. She had already turned to face me.

Her eyes were cold.

"...amazing," she said. "I must admit I'm astonished. After all that, you're already ready to fight back? You're the first to manage that, Araragi-kun."

"The first?"

She'd done this before?

So much for a hundred days of work.

Then again, not weighing anything was something that could easily be betrayed by the slightest body contact. It was unrealistic to keep it completely secret.

I was the only one who know 'at the moment.'

Maybe she really was the devil.

"But the pain in your mouth shouldn't have been so easy to shake off. Most people would still be curled up on the floor."

The voice of experience.

Terrifying.

"Okay. I understand. Have it your way, Araragi-kun. I can't say there's anything wrong with trying to pay back what gets done to you. If you're prepared to face the consequences..."

As Senjogahara spoke, she spread her arms out wide.

"...then let us go to war."

In her hands...not just a utility knife and stapler, but all kinds of stationary goods. Well-sharpened HB pencils, a compass, a three-colored ball point pen, a mechanical pencil, super glue, rubber bands, paper clips, bulldog clips, brass fasteners, magic markers, safety pins, fountain pens, white out, scissors, scotch tape, a sewing set, a paper knife, a triangular ruler, a straight ruler, a protractor, a glue stick, a set of chisels, art supplies, weights, and a bottle of ink.

The simple fact that I was doomed to share a classroom with her felt as if the world had singled me out for punishment.

I definitely thought the super glue looked particularly dangerous.

"N-no, not war."

"No? Aw..." she seemed disappointed.

She did not lower her hands.

Her deadly stationary supplies remained at the ready.

"Then what?"

"I just might," I said, "Be able to help you."

"Help?"

She sniggered.

Contemptuous?

Or angry.

"Please. I already rejected your cheap pity. Hold your tongue and avoid me -- that's all I ask."

She frowned.

"I will also take kindness to mean you are my enemy."

She took one step up the stairs.

She meant it.

And she was not one to hesitate. I'd had that demonstrated very clearly. Painfully so.

So.

I said nothing. Instead, I stuck one finger in the side of my mouth, and pulled my cheek out.

My right cheek.

Exposing the inside.

Senjogahara blinked. The stationary supplies slipped from her hands.

"But that...you..." she stammered.

Yes.

I no longer tasted blood.

The staple wound Senjogahara had left behind had already healed. Not even a trace of it remained.

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 004

Spring vacation.

I was attacked by a vampire.

In an age filled with marvels like the linear motor, an age in which nobody thinks twice about travel overseas, I was attacked...by a vampire. Embarrassingly enough.

She was beautiful. A beauty that froze the blood.

A beautiful demon.

A very...beautiful demon.

I hide it under the collar of my uniform, but the marks where her fangs sank into my throat are still there. I'm hoping my hair grows long enough before it gets hot. Be that as it may -- usually, when attacked by vampires, one gets saved by a vampire hunter, or a Christian attack squad, or maybe even a vampire that works with a special vampire killing team...but in my case, I was saved by a filthy homeless guy.

I eventually managed to become human again -- sunlight and crosses and garlic are all fine -- but...there are a few lingering side effects. I retained none of the strength or speed, only my metabolism...my recuperative ability. I'm not sure if I could have handled the utility knife, but a staple wound will heal in less than thirty seconds. And all animals recover faster inside the mouth.

"Oshino...Oshino-san?"

"Yeah. Oshino Meme."

"Oshino Meme...sounds like a moe name."

"Do not get your hopes up. He's well over thirty. Middle-aged."

"Hunh. But I better he was a moe character when he was a kid."

"We're talking a real person here. And how do you even know the word moe?"

"Everyone knows that now," Senjogahara insisted, blithely. "They call people like me tsundere, right?"

I would have called you a tsundora.

Anyway.

The cram school was a bit outside the residential area, about twenty minutes by bike from Naoetsu High School, where Senjogahara, Hanekawa, and I went to school.

Was.

A few years ago a bigger and better school opened up near the station and it went bankrupt. The four story cram school had been a derelict building as long as I could remember, so all this is hearsay.

Danger.

Private Property.

No Trespassing.

Signs like that were all over the chainlink fence around the place, but there were gaps in it everywhere. You could walk right in.

Oshino lived here.

Without permission.

For a month now, since I told him about it during spring vacation.

"And my butt hurts. It throbs. I have wrinkles in my skirt."

"Not my fault."

"Keep making excuses and I cut it off."

"Cut what off?"

"I have never ridden two to a bicycle before, so you could have been nicer about it."

I thought being nice was a sign I was her enemy.

Not that that stopped her.

"Then, specifically, what could I have done?"

"Right...well, you could have let me use your bag as cushion. Just as an example."

"So basically, you only care about yourself?"

"I said it was an example. No need to be rude."

In no way did that count as a defense.

Even a dubious one.

"I swear, Marie Antoinette was more modest and self-effacing than you."

"She is like a student to me."

"Through time!?"

"Do not devalue my words with your cheap comebacks. You have become awfully familiar in a very short time. If a stranger heard us they might mistake us for classmates."

"We are classmates!"

Would you deny the fact!?

That's too much to bear!

"I'm gonna need to stock up on patience to survive your company."

"Araragi-kun. If you say things that way it makes it sound like I'm the one with the bad personality."

She actually said this.

"What happened to your bag, anyway?" I asked. "Didn't you have one?"

Come to think of it, I'd never seen her carry anything.

"I've memorized all my textbooks. I leave them in the locker. I keep my stationary supplies hidden on my person, so I need no bag. I don't need to change for gym, after all."

"Right..."

"And if both hands are free, I can fight any time."

Her body was a weapon.

The human weapon.

"I'm not fond of leaving feminine hygiene supplies in my locker, but that's the only real inconvenience. I have no friends to borrow things from."

"...I'd rather not have known that."

"Everything that comes out of the body is natural. Nothing to hide."

Nothing to bring up willy nilly, either.

In my philosophy.

I let it drop.

Odds were I should have been more appalled by the lack of friends.

"Oh, right."

Not something I'd ever have thought about, but Senjogahara had complained about the crease in her skirt, so, on the grounds that girls cared about that sort of thing, we were looking for a particularly large gap in the fence.

"You'll have to hand over the stationary supplies."

"Eh?"

"Give them to me."

"Eh? Eh?"

She acted like I'd asked her to do something illegal. Like I was absolutely out of my mind.

"Oshino may be a weird guy, but I owe him a lot."

And...

So did Hanekawa.

"Enough that I can't let him meet someone dangerous. Hand your arsenal over."

"You couldn't have said earlier?" Senjogahara glared at me. "You trapped me."

I didn't think it was that unreasonable a request.

But it took Senjogahara a good long while to make up her mind. She glared furiously at me for a minute, then stared at her feet, frowning. She didn't say a word.

Just as I was starting to wonder if she was going to turn around and leave, she finally made up her mind.

"Okay," she said. "Take them."

An avalanche of stationary supplies poured out from all over her body. I'd seen less impressive magicians. The array she'd shown me on the school stairs had been but a small fragment of her insane hoard. Her pockets clearly contained access to the fourth dimension. At the least, 22nd century technology. I'd said to hand them over, but I sincerely doubted they would all fit in my bag.

Allowing someone like this to remain at large was clearly a gross oversight on the part of the authorities.

"But understand, this does not mean I trust you," Senjogahara said, as she handed over the last of it.

"What do you mean?"

"If you've tricked me, and have lured me to a deserted location as part of some scheme to get revenge for the stapler incident, then you picked the wrong woman."

I singularly doubted I had.

"Know this -- if I do not contact them once a minute, then five thousand of my allies will descend upon your family."

"Don't worry, there's no need for that."

"You mean you can finish in less than a minute?"

"Do I look like a boxer?"

She didn't even think twice about targeting my family.

Unnerving.

And five thousand was obviously a lie.

She didn't even have any friends.

"I hear your sisters are still in junior high."

She knew I had sisters?

She might be lying, but she clearly wasn't joking.

Either way, showing off a little immortality trick had clearly not been enough to make her trust me. Oshino thought trust was pretty important in situations like this, so this was not ideal.

But there was nothing I could do about that.

This was Senjogahara's problem.

I was just a guide.

We stepped through the fence, onto the ground, and went into the building. It was still early in the evening, but it was already pretty dark inside. The building had been abandoned for a while, and there was a lot of rubble on the floor to avoid.

Oh.

If I were to kick an empty can, it would just be an empty can. But for Senjogahara, that would be an empty can with a mass ten times normal.

At least, it would seem like it.

Certainly, things weren't just ten times as heavy, and gravity wasn't just a tenth normal -- this wasn't an old comic, and physics wasn't that easy to understand. Lower weight did not immediately lead to feats of physicality, so I should try not to oversimplify. But it did explain why Senjogahara was glaring around the dark room like a wild thing.

She might be ten times faster...

But she was ten times as weak.

Now I saw why she'd been so reluctant to relinquish the stationary supplies.

And...her bag.

I knew why she didn't carry one.

"This way," I said, reaching out and taking Senjogahara's wrist. I began leading her across the room, so she soon worked out why.

"Don't expect me to be grateful," she said.

"I didn't."

"You're the one who should be grateful."

"Why!?"

"I deliberately stapled the inside of your mouth to avoid leaving a wound where someone else could see it."

Yeah, like punching your wife in the stomach to avoid explaining another black eye.

"What if it had gone through?"

"Araragi-kun, you have such thick features. I had a feeling it wouldn't."

"Wow, why does that sound so insulting?"

"And one out of ten of my hunches come true."

"That's it!?"

"Well," Senjogahara said, after a moment's silence. "I guess I needn't have worried."

"Fair enough."

"Would it hurt if I suggested immortality must come in handy?"

That was a question.

"Not any more."

Not now.

Over spring break?

Well, those words could have killed me. They could well have been fatal.

"It has its uses. And its downsides. It is what it is."

"Impressively vague," Senjogahara sighed. "Like how inflammable could mean either easily burns or doesn't burn at all."

"It means it doesn't burn."

"So you say."

"And I'm not immortal any more. I just heal a little faster. Otherwise, I'm ordinary."

"What a shame." She sounded disappointed. "I had planned on running a few experiments, but alas."

"Since those experiments would have boiled down to torture, thank god I said something."

"Don't be silly. I was just going to ████ your ██████ with a ████."

"What are those black bars hiding!?"

"Oh, this and that."

"Explain those italics!"

Oshino was usually on the fourth floor.

There was an elevator, but of course, it no longer worked. Which left us with the choice of breaking through the ceiling of the elevator and using the wires to scale the elevator shaft, or climbing the stairs. A choice all but a select few would not even stop to consider.

Still leading Senjogahara by the hand, I began climbing the stairs.

"Araragi-kun. Let me say one final thing."

"What?"

"While it may be hard to tell with my clothes on, my body might not be worth breaking the law to obtain."

Senjogahara Hitagi appeared to a firm supporter of abstinence.

"Perhaps I was being too euphemistic. Specifically, if you give in to your barely suppressed animal instincts and rape me, I shall do whatever I can to extract a Boy's Love revenge upon you."

So much for modesty and inhibition.

Also, terrifying.

"Judging by what you've just said, and your behavior over the last hour, you're kinda paranoid. You might even have a persecution complex."

"Oh, please. Some things are better left unsaid, no matter how true."

"You admit it!?"

"Anyway, this building looks like it could collapse at any minute. Hard to believe this Oshino person actually lives here."

"Yeah, well...he's a bit...odd."

If asked who was stranger, Senjogahara or Oshino, I would definitely have to think about it.

"Shouldn't we have called ahead? I mean, we are here to ask him for help."

"I am astonished to hear you suggest something so sensible, but nope, the man does not have a phone."

"He grows more mysterious by the minute. He has begun to seem downright suspicious. What on earth does he do?"

"I don't know, exactly...but he's an expert on things like what happened to me...and you."

"Hmm."

I knew it explained very little, but she let the matter drop. Perhaps she felt she'd find out in a few minutes anyway, or perhaps she simply realized there was no answer to her question. Either way, she was right.

"Hey, Araragi-kun. You wear your watch on your right hand."

"Mm? Yeah."

"'Cause you're a contrary bastard?"

"You couldn't have assumed I was left-handed?"

"Well? Which is it?"

I was a contrary bastard.

Fourth floor.

This had been a cram school, so the three rooms on this floor showed signs of having been classrooms -- but the doors were broken in, with nothing left to separate them from the halls. I glanced into the nearest room, searching for Oshino.

"Ah, there you are, Araragi-kun."

There he was. Oshino Meme.

Sitting cross-legged on a simple bed made by tying rotting desks together with plastic bags.

He sounded like he'd been expecting me.

The man always seemed to be one step ahead.

Senjogahara, on the other hand, took a step back.

I had warned her, but Oshino was a filthy man, well off what high school girls generally considered acceptable aesthetic presentation. Anyone living in an abandoned building would quickly start to look a bit run down themselves, but even to male eyes Oshino was obviously lacking in the hygiene department. To the point where it was impossible to accurately describe him without commenting upon it. But worse than that, the fatal stroke...was the psychedelic Hawaiian shirt.

Every time I remembered how much I owed him the fact that I owed him anything came as something of a shock. If you were as fine a human being as Hanekawa, you did not allow such things to get to you, apparently.

"What? Araragi-kun, once again, you're with a new girl. You have a different one every time I see you. Can't say I don't approve."

"Who are you describing and why have you confused them with me?"

"Hmm...oooh," Oshino purred, gazing in Senjogahara's direction.

From the sound of things, he saw something.

"Welcome. I am Oshino."

"Thank you. My name is Senjogahara Hitagi."

She had some manners.

Apparently not all of her being was composed of meaningless spite. At least with her elders she made an attempt at respect.

"Araragi-kun is a classmate. He told me about you."

"Uh-hunh," Oshino nodded sagely.

He let his head droop, shook loose a cigarette, and tossed it into his mouth. He let it rest between his lips, not lighting it. He waggled the end of the cigarette in the general direction of what had been windows, but were now just assorted fragments of broken glass.

After a long silence, he turned towards me.

"So you got a thing for girls with straight bangs, Araragi-kun?"

"Like I said, you clearly have me mixed up with some douchebag. Only pedophiles 'have a thing' for straight bangs, and you know it. I'm not part of the generation ruined by Full House."

"Ha," Oshino laughed.

Senjogahara scowled.

Perhaps she took offense at the word 'pedophile.'

"Um, well, I'm sure she can tell you more than I did, but a couple of years ago..."

"Do not refer to me as 'she,'" Senjogahara snapped.

"Then what?"

"Senjogahara-sama."

Had she lost her mind?

"Senjogahara-sama."

"No need to over-enunciate it. Speak properly."

"Senjogahara-chan."

She poked me in the eyes.

"You could have blinded me!"

"A fitting punishment."

"The punishment does not fit the crime!"

"My aggression is composed of ten grams of copper, twenty-five of zinc, fifteen of nickel, five of shame, and ninety-seven grams of pure malice."

"Mostly malice, then."

"And I was lying about the shame."

"That's the only saving grace!"

"Keep your voice down. Before I change your nickname to Menstrual Cramps."

"Are you trying to drive me to suicide!?"

"Don't be silly. It's a natural phenomenon, nothing to be ashamed of."

"Not when there's malice involved!"

Apparently she was satisfied with this, because Senjogahara turned back to Oshino.

"More importantly, there's something I want to ask you first."

She sounded more like she was addressing the both of us. She pointed to the corner of the room.

There was a little girl, her arms around her knees. She looked to be about eight years old, much too young to be in a place like this. She had white skin and blonde hair, and wore a helmet with goggles on it.

"What the hell is that?"

'What' indeed -- Senjogahara had accurately guessed that the girl was some thing. It didn't take a great deal of perception to detect something odd about the way the girl was glaring fiercely and incessantly at Oshino, with an intensity to that outdid even Senjogahara's most terrifying glare.

"Pay it no mind," I said, before Oshino could answer. "It's just sitting there. It can't do anything. It had no shadow, no form, no name. That's all it is."

"No, no, Araragi-kun," Oshino interrupted. "True, she has no shadow or form, but I gave her a name yesterday. She helped us out over Golden Week, so it seemed only fair to have a name to call her by. And the longer she goes without a name, the longer she stays evil."

"Oh? What name?"

We were leaving Senjogahara out a bit here, but I was curious.

"Oshino Shinobu."

"Shinobu...hunh."

A very...Japanese name.

Not that it particularly mattered.

"A heart beneath a blade. Sounds like her, doesn't it? And I let her borrow my family name. Which, by a fortuitous coincidence, happens to have the kanji for 'Shinobu' in it. Double the kanji, triple the meaning. I'm quite proud of it."

"Sounds fine."

Didn't matter anyway.

"I thought up a bunch, and eventually boiled it down to either Oshino Shinobu or Oshino Oshino, but I decided the pun was better than the echo. And the ever so slightly class presidential nature of the kanji won some points with me."

"I dig it."

I really didn't care.

But still, Oshino Oshino would have been out of line.

"So," Senjogahara said, as if she'd waited long enough. "What is she?"

"Like I said, nothing."

The remains of a vampire.

The shell of a beautiful demon.

There was no point in explaining. It had nothing to do with Senjogahara. It was my problem. A duty I would have for the rest of my life.

"Nothing. Very well."

She dropped that awful quick.

"My father's mother always said it was important to quit when you're abed."

"Abed? She having visions of her own death?"

Or had she just got the words mixed up?

Like my grandmother, who once said old socks when she meant orthodox.

"More importantly," she said again, shifting her gaze away from the little blonde ex-vampire, and refocusing it on Oshino Meme. "I heard you would be able to help me."

"Help you? That's impossible," Oshino said, as if teasing her. "You will simply help yourself."

Woah.

Senjogahara had narrowed her eyes.

She was radiating suspicion.

"Five other people said exactly the same thing to me. All five of them were frauds. Are you as well, Oshino-san?"

"Ha ha. You are a lively one, aren't you? Did something good happen?"

It was like he always went out of his way to wind people up. It worked well with people like Hanekawa, admittedly, but it was absolutely the wrong approach to take with Senjogahara.

She was the type to fight back. Violently.

"Okay, okay," I said, stepping in.

Forcing my way between them.

"Outta my way," she said. "Or you die first."

She sounded like she'd said that before.

Why did those sparks wind up on me?

This woman was like a fireball.

Impossible to contain in mere words.

"Ah, relax," Oshino said, scratching his chin. "If you don't tell me anything, we'll never get anywhere. I've never been much good at reading minds, you see. I much prefer talking. Conversation! But don't worry. I can also keep a secret."

Senjogahara said nothing.

"Um, I guess I could give a quick summary?"

"No, Araragi-kun," she said, stopping me. "Let me."

"Senjogahara..."

"It should come from me," she concluded.

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 005

Two hours later.

I was at Senjogahara's apartment, leaving Oshino and Shinobu behind in the abandoned cram school.

Senjogahara's home.

Tamikura-sou, it was called.

A two-story wooden apartment building, built thirty years ago. Tin mailboxes by the door. A shower and flush toilet included, grudgingly, in each apartment. One six-mat room with a tiny sink. Twenty minutes walk to the nearest bus stop. Rent ran from thirty to forty thousand, depending on the room (including upkeep, utilities, and neighborhood association fees.)

Not exactly what Hanekawa had led me to believe.

It must have shown on my face. Without me even asking, Senjogahara said, flatly, "My mother joined a cult."

Like that was an excuse.

She was clearly glossing over a lot.

"Not only did she hand over all our money to them, she ran up huge debts donating to them. Your house goeth before a fall."

"A cult?"

One of those dangerous new age 'religions.'

They all led to the same results.

"They finally agreed to divorce at the end of last year. My father got me, and we live here. At least, I do...but all the debt is in my father's name, so he's working night and day to pay it off, and almost never makes it home. I pretty much live here alone. With all the freedom that entails."

Sounded great.

"But the official address on the school rolls is the old one, still. Hanekawa-san wouldn't have known."

Um...

Shouldn't you change it?

"I prefer potential enemies not know where I live."

"Everyone's an enemy, hunh?"

Usually, that would sound like an exaggeration. But with a secret you were desperate to protect, it may well have been a reasonable level of caution.

"Senjogahara. When your mother joined this cult...was she trying to help you?"

"What an awful question," she laughed. "I don't know. Maybe not."

An awful answer.

Probably what I get for asking.

It had been an awful question. The thought alone made my stomach churn. I should not have asked, and because I did ask, Senjogahara was absolutely right to unleash the full power of her tongue.

Of course her family would have noticed their daughter no longer weighed anything. Especially her mother. Family wasn't like school, where we each owned a little space around our desks. If something terrible happened to your only daughter, you'd notice at once. And when the doctors had no idea who to help, and the tests went on and on, no one could blame her mother for seeking help in other places.

No, perhaps we could blame her.

It wasn't my place to say.

I shouldn't talk like I understood anything.

At any rate.

At any rate, there I was in Senjogahara's house, Tamikura-sou room 201, sitting on a cushion staring at the steam rising off the tea she'd given me.

Given her personality, I had assumed she'd make me wait outside, but she waved me inside, and even made tea. This came as something of a shock.

"I'm going to torture you."

"Um..."

"I meant welcome you."

"Right..."

"No, maybe I did mean torture."

"I much preferred welcome! No other option is acceptable! Not everyone can correct their own mistakes! Well done, Senjogahara-san!"

And that's all the conversation we really had. I wound up just sitting there, flustered. I couldn't very well admit I felt awkward entering the house of a girl I'd just met. All I could do was stare at my tea.

Senjogahara was taking a shower.

Cleansing her body, purifying herself.

Oshino had told her to wash her body in cold water, and then change clothes -- they didn't need to be new or anything, just clean.

And I had accompanied her back. She'd ridden my bike from school to Oshino's, so there was that, but Oshino had also left a few other instructions.

I looked around the room. It was really bare bones -- hard to believe a teenage girl lived here. I leaned back against the chest of drawers behind me.

Reflecting on Oshino's diagnosis.

When Senjogahara finished telling him of her condition, Oshino nodded, stared at the ceiling for a long moment, and finally said, "A Crab of Burden."

"And that is?" Senjogahara pressed.

"Folk legend in the mountains of Kyushu. Some places call it a Crab of Burden, some places a Heavy Crab, or a Deadweight Crab, some places even call it a God instead. Kami and Kani don't sound that different, after all. The details of it vary, but the one thing they all have in common is that they take away people's weight. People that meet them -- that meet them the wrong way -- it's like they don't exist the same way they used to."

"It changes the way you exist?"

You became fragile.

Delicate.

And more beautiful.

"In some cases, people cease to exist at all. If you go higher up the country there's something called the Rock of Burden, but I don't think they're related. One's a rock and one's a crab."

"So...is it really a crab?"

"You are dumb, Araragi-kun," Oshino sounded completely disgusted with me. "We're talking Miyazaki Prefecture...maybe Oita, too. They don't even have crabs. It's just a story. And things they don't come across often are easier to make shit up about. Just like it's easier to get worked up about delusions and gossip."

"Are crabs even all that Japanese?"

"You may have eaten the American kind. But you should read up on your old Japanese stories, Araragi-kun. You never heard The Crab and the Monkey? Russia has a famous story about a crab, and China has some too. Japan is no exception."

"Oh, right. I've heard that story. Or I've heard of it. But...why Miyazaki?"

"Who was it who got attacked by a vampire in a dozy country town? The place doesn't really matter. Only the conditions that were born there."

Although even Oshino admitted the local climate played a factor.

"Didn't have to be a crab, really. Could've been a rabbit. Some stories even have it as a beautiful woman -- not like Shinobu-chan or anything, but the stories exist."

"Hunh...like the patterns on the moon."

Were we calling her Shinobu-chan already?

Suddenly I felt sorry for her.

Once a legendary vampire...

Now addressed as -chan.

"But if you say you met a crab, then let's assume it was a crab. Most common type, after all."

"But what is it?" Senjogahara growled. "I don't give a crap what the thing is named."

"But you do. The name is everything. Like I just told Araragi-kun, they don't have crabs in the mountains of Kyushu. They have some up North, but not a lot of them made their way down to Kyushu."

"They have freshwater ones."

"Maybe so, but that's not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"That it didn't used to be crabs. It used to be gods -- kami, not kani. The god of burden evolved into a crab. I mean, this is just my personal theory. Most people would assume it went the other way around. Or at least insist they were both around from the beginning."

"Either way, I've never heard of them."

"Of course you have," Oshino said. "You met one."

That silenced her.

"And it's still with you."

"Can you...see it?"

"I can't see anything," Oshino said, chuckling merrily. An inappropriately pleasant laugh, that clearly rubbed Senjogahara the wrong way.

It had a similar effect on me.

He was clearly mocking her.

"Isn't that your job?"

"Is it? The whole point of chimi-moryo is that no one can see them. Can't see them, can't touch them. That's only normal."

"Normal. But..."

"Ghosts ain't got legs, vampires don't have reflections, but that's not the point, is it? Things like that can't be pinned down. And tell me this, girl -- if no one can see them, and no one can touch them...do they exist?"

"Do they...you just said they did!"

"I did. But nobody can see then and nobody can touch them, then scientifically speaking, they don't exist. Doesn't matter if they're real or not."

That was his point.

Senjogahara did not seem satisfied.

It was sound logic, but not something she could just accept.

Not in her position.

"Well, girl, you may have bad luck, but you're on the lucky side of bad luck. Araragi-kun here didn't just meet his; he was attacked. And attacked by a vampire. Is there anything more embarrassing for modern man?"

Drop it.

Drop it now.

"You're much better off than he was."

"Why?"

"Because gods are everywhere. They're everywhere, and nowhere. It was with you before your present condition arrived...but you could also say it wasn't."

"Is that some sort of Zen?"

"Shindo. Shugendo, specifically," Oshino said. "You need to understand, girl. You didn't wind up like this because of something else. You just changed your point of view."

She was always like that.

Almost exactly what the doctors said, as they threw in the towel.

"My point of view? What are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying, you need to stop acting like a victim, girl," Oshino snarled, sudden heat behind his words.

He'd been like this with me.

And like this with Hanekawa.

I was worried about how Senjogahara would react, but she didn't say a word.

She just accepted it.

This seemed to impress him a little. "Well done. Guess you aren't just a selfish little girl after all."

"What made you think I was?"

"Most people who encounter Crabs of Burden are. Not the kind of thing you can meet just by wanting to, and not the kind of god you can usually touch. Not like vampires."

You can't touch them?

If you can't touch them...they can't touch you?

"They don't possess you. They just exist. Unless you want a change, then nothing will change. Now, I'm not wanting to pry into other people's business. I don't want to help you, after all."

She would have to save herself.

Like Oshino always said.

"Stop me if you've heard this. It's an old story from overseas. Once upon a time, there was a young man. He was a good man. One day, this young man met a strange old man in the village. The old man asked the young man to sell him his shadow."

"His shadow?"

"Yeah. The shadow that sprang from his legs when the sun shone upon him. Sell it for ten coins. The young man did, without a second's thought. Sold his shadow for ten coins."

"...so?"

"What would you have done?"

"Dunno. Wouldn't know without that actually happening to me. Maybe I'd sell, maybe I wouldn't. Depends on the price."

"That's the right answer. If I asked you which was more important, your money or your life, well...that question's wrong to begin with. 'Money' doesn't mean anything. There's a big difference between one yen and a trillion. One is worth more than the other. Life means more to some people than it does to others. All life is equal? I loathe the very idea. Anyway, this young man didn't think his shadow was worth more than ten coins. Who would he? What would you miss out on, if you had no shadow? What problems could that possibly cause?"

Oshino shuddered.

"But once he lost his shadow, everyone in town, even his family, hated him. He couldn't get along with anybody. Having no shadow...was creepy. Of course it was. Hella creepy. Shadows themselves can be pretty creepy, but not having a shadow is even more creepy. The absence of something you're supposed to have. In other words, the young man had sold something he was meant to have...for ten coins."

He let that hang for a moment.

"The young man went looking for the old man, to get his shadow back. But no matter where he went, no matter who he asked, he never did find the man. The end."

"So," Senjogahara said, not batting an eye. "What of it?"

"Well, nothing, really. Just thought it might be a story that struck a chord with you. The young man may have sold his shadow, but you lost your weight."

"I didn't sell it."

"No. You did not. You traded it. Losing your weight may not be as big a problem as losing your shadow...but it causes just as many problems, socially. That's it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm done talking," he said, and clapped his hands, once. "Okay. If you'd like to get your weight back, then I'll do what I can. Araragi-kun introduced you, after all."

"You'll help me?"

"I will not. I'll just do what I can," Oshino said, glancing at his watch. On his left wrist. "Sun's still out, so head on home. Wash your body in cold water, put on some clean clothes. Got some preparations on my end. If you're in Araragi-kun's class, you're probably a pretty serious student, so I should ask...are you able to come out at night?"

"Yes. If the occasion demands."

"Then we'll meet up again here at the stroke of midnight."

"Fine. By clean clothes, you mean...?"

"Don't need to be new. Not your uniform, though. You wear that every day."

"And what do I owe you?"

"Mm?"

"Don't play dumb. You're not doing this on a volunteer basis."

"Oh, hmm..." Oshino glanced over me, as if appraising me. "Well, if that makes you feel better about it, then a hundred thousand yen."

"A hundred thousand," she said, as if confirming it.

"Work part time at a fast food place a month or two, and you ought to earn that much easily. Seems fair."

"Quite a bargain, compared to mine."

"Is it? I charged the class president a hundred grand as well."

"And you charged me five million!"

"Well, you were a vampire."

"You can't blame everything on vampires! Who cares if they're trendy right now!"

"Can you pay?" he asked, ignoring my cries.

"Of course," she said. "No matter what I have to do."

And then...

Two hours later, in her room.

Senjogahara's apartment.

I looked around again.

A hundred thousand yen might not be that much normally, but judging from the state of her room, it was probably quite a lot to Senjogahara.

A chest of drawers, a tea table, and a little bookcase. That was it. For all the books she read, there were surprisingly few in her room. She must get the bulk of them from used book stores and libraries.

Like an impoverished student.

Which, I suppose, Senjogahara was.

She'd said she was attending school on a scholarship.

Oshino had suggested Senjogahara was luckier than me, but I had my doubts.

Certainly, her life wasn't in the same kind of danger, and she was less of a danger to those around her -- few things came close to vampires on those two fronts. I lost track of how many times I'd wished I'd just died instead, and that was an easy trap to fall back into, even now.

So, yeah.

Senjogahara might be on the lucky side of bad luck. But in light of how Hanekawa had described her life in junior high, it was really hard to see it that way.

It definitely wasn't a fair comparison.

Hanekawa...how did Hanekawa Tsubasa compare?

There was a woman with a powerfully strange experience.

I was attacked by a demon, Senjogahara met a crab, and Hanekawa was transfixed by a cat. Over Golden Week. What transpired was so overwhelming it felt like something in the distant past. But it had only been a few days before.

Although Hanekawa herself retained no memories of Golden Week. All she really knew was that Oshino had managed to take care of it some how, so perhaps she had no real grasp of just how bad things had been. But I remembered everything.

It was an absolute mess.

Even after surviving the demon. I had never imagined a cat could possibly be more terrifying than a demon.

Again, in light of risk to life and limb, Hanekawa's experience was worse than Senjogahara's. But in light of how long Senjogahara had suffered in silence, things weren't that simple.

It all mattered.

It was all worth considering.

How bad did things have to be for you to consider kindness the act of an enemy?

The young man who sold his shadow.

The girl who lost her weight.

I could never know.

I could never hope to understand.

"Done with my shower," Senjogahara said, stepping out of the bathroom.

Naked.

I shrieked, cowering.

"Move aside. I can't reach my clothes."

Senjogahara pointed at the chest of drawers behind me. She appeared to be more annoyed by her wet hair than she was concerned about me seeing her.

"Put some clothes on!"

"I plan to."

"You plan to!?"

"Would you prefer I didn't?"

"Why haven't you already!?"

"I forgot to bring some in with me."

"Then wrap a towel around yourself or something!"

"Ew, that would just be sad."

I didn't know how she could be so blasé about it.

It was plain as day there was no point in arguing the point, so I scooted out of the way, and plunked myself down in front of the bookshelf, studiously counting the spines in front of me. Trying to focus my gaze and my thoughts.

Augh.

I'd never seen a naked woman before...not in real life, anyway.

It wasn't quite what I'd imagined. I still maintain I had pretty grounded ideas about what it would be like, but what I'd imagined was not this...stark nudism, this frank indifference.

"Clean clothes...you suppose white is better?"

"No idea."

"All my underwear has patterns."

"None of my business!"

"I'm just asking for advice. No need to get so loud. Honestly, it's like you're going through menopause."

I heard the drawer open.

Clothing rustled.

This was bad.

It was burned into my brain. It wouldn't go away.

"Araragi-kun. You aren't turned on by me being naked, are you?"

"If I hypothetically was, it would not be my fault."

"Go ahead and lay a single finger on me. I hear biting off tongues is always fatal."

"Yes, yes, you're very protective of your body."

"I was planning on biting your tongue."

"That is duly terrifying."

Sheesh.

She seemed incapable of seeing the situation from my point of view.

Was it impossible for any human being to understand another?

Was this a notion I should just learn to accept?

"Don't worry, you can look now."

"Okay. Good."

I turned around.

She was still in her underwear.

Not even wearing socks.

"What are you trying to accomplish here!?"

"What do you think? I'm rewarding you for your help today. Be happy."

"...................."

A reward?

Baffling.

I'd rather have an apology.

"Be happy!"

"Now you're mad!?"

"Manners dictate you express an opinion!"

"A-an opinion?"

Manners?

How should I answer?

Um...

"Y-you have a great body...?"

"...pathetic."

She gave me the sort of look usually reserved for rotting refuse.

But with a trace of pity.

"You'll always be a virgin."

"I'll always be...? Did you come from the future!?"

"Try not to spit. Virginity is catching."

"It's not a disease!"

Once lost, it never came back.

"For that matter, why have we simply assumed that I'm a virgin?"

"Because you are. No child would ever sleep with you."

"Two objections! First, I am not a pedophile! Secondly, I definitely think I could find a few if I looked hard enough!"

"If the first is true the second can't be."

".............."

Good point.

"But I admit it was presumptuous of me."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"If you've used a professional..."

"Okay, okay, I admit it! I'm a virgin!"

The most humiliating thing I had ever confessed to.

Senjogahara seemed very pleased.

"You should have said so in the first place. You've used up half the luck the rest of your life had allotted to it, so keep still and appreciate."

"Are you secretly a shinigami?"

Make a deal with a shinigami, see a naked girl.

Best shinigami eyes ever.

"Don't worry," she said. As she spoke, she took a white shirt out from her chest of drawers, and put it on over the light blue bra. It seemed ridiculous to count the books on her shelf again, so I just watched. "I won't tell Hanekawa-san."

"Hanekawa...?"

"You have a one-sided crush on her, right?"

"Not true."

"Oh? You talk so often I simply assumed. Hence the leading question."

"Who uses leading questions in real life?"

"Hush. Do you wish to be erased?"

"Just how much power do you wield?"

I was a bit surprised to hear Senjogahara had actually paid that much attention to the rest of us. I'd actually wondered if she even knew I was class vice-president. Or maybe she had just assumed we would one day be her enemies, and scouted us.

"It's less that we talk and more than she keeps talking to me."

"Who do you think you are? Are you trying to imply Hanekawa-san has a crush on you?"

"That's absolutely not true," I said. "Hanekawa is just...looking after me. She's a busybody, really. Overprotective. She's got this hilarious idea that it's worth feeling sorry for losers. And she wants to help fix them."

"That is a hilarious idea," Senjogahara said. "Losers are losers because they were born stupid."

"...I wouldn't say that."

"But it's written on your face."

"It is not!"

"I thought you'd say that, so I wrote it there a moment ago."

"Nobody's that prepared!"

Frankly.

I didn't need to say much here; Senjogahara should understand Hanekawa as well as I did. Judging by what she'd told me after school, Hanekawa was paying more than a little attention to Senjogahara.

But perhaps that explained it.

"Oshino-san helped Hanekawa-san too?"

"Mm. Yeah."

Senjogahara finished buttoning her shirt, and proceeded to don a white cardigan on top of it. Apparently she planned to fully dress her upper body before putting anything else on the lower half. I suppose everyone had different ways of getting dressed. Senjogahara did not seem at all concerned that I was watching. Actually, she seemed to have deliberately placed herself in front of me.

"Hmm."

"So...I mean, you can trust him. He's not the most serious guy in the world; jaunty and cavalier and what have you, but he knows his stuff. Don't worry. You don't have to take my word for it. He did the same with Hanekawa."

"So you say, Araragi-kun," Senjogahara said. "But I'm afraid I only half trust him. I have been tricked too many times."

"..............."

Five people had said the same thing.

They'd all been liars.

And...

That did not seem like the end of it.

"Even the hospital -- I only go out of inertia. Honestly, I've pretty much given up."

"Given up...?"

What had she given up?

What had she cast aside?

"This world may be bizarre, but it has neither Mugen Mamiya or Kudan Kumiko."

"....................."

"The best it can manage is Touge Miroku," Senjogahara said, voice dripping with disgust. "So Araragi, I'm simply not carefree enough to cheerily accept that I just happened to slip on the stairs and the classmate that just happened to catch me just happened to have been bit by a vampire over spring break and the person who just happened to save him also just happened to help the class president and now he just happens to be attempting to help me."

And with that, Senjogahara began taking off her cardigan.

"Finally you had some clothes on -- why are you taking them off again?"

"I forgot to dry my hair."

"Are you actually a bit of an idiot?"

"Don't be rude. What if you hurt my feelings?"

Her dryer looked expensive.

Apparently she took pains towards her appearance.

Looking her over again, even her underwear was carefully chosen. It was odd how what had, a day before, been a major focus controlling a significant portion of my thoughts now seemed like little more than a few scraps of cloth. I shed a silent tear inside.

"Carefree...?"

"I'm not that."

"Maybe. But what if you were?" I said. "What if you were carefree?"

"................"

"It's not a bad thing to be. You've got nothing to hide, after all. Just be confident, like you are now."

"Like I am now?" Senjogahara said, baffled.

Apparently she was unaware just how amazing her performance here had been.

"It's not a bad thing...?"

"Is it?"

"Suppose not," she said. Then, "But I might be hiding something."

"Mm?"

"Never mind."

With her hair finally dry, she put the dryer down, and began putting clothes on again. Since she'd put them on over wet hair, her first outfit was damp, so she hung the shirt and cardigan up on hangers, and began hunting through her chest of drawers for something else.

"In my next life," Senjogahara said. "I want to be Sergeant Major Kululu."

"..................."

This seemed like a non sequitor, yet it also made a certain kind of sense.

"I know what you want to say. That seemed like a non sequitor, and you don't see why I would."

"Uh, about half right."

"Thought so."

"I mean, at the least, you could have said Lance Corporal Dororo."

"His trauma switch hits a little too close to home."

"Okay, but..."

"No buts. Or mutts."

"Mutts?"

I couldn't even work out what she'd mistaken that for.

I'd totally lost track of her larger point as well.

Presumably she agreed, since she immediately changed the subject.

"May I ask you something, Araragi-kun? Not anything important."

"Okay."

"What did you mean by 'patterns on the moon'?"

"Hunh? When did I say that?"

"Earlier. To Oshino-san."

"Um..."

Oh.

Now I remembered.

"Right, Oshino was going on about it being a crab or a rabbit or a beautiful woman -- those. In Japan people generally say it looks like a rabbit with mochi but other countries have it as a crab or a woman's face in profile, or so on."

I hadn't verified this in person, but so I'd heard. Senjogahara appeared to have never come across the information before.

"I'm astonished you bothered retaining such useless information. For the first time ever, you've actually managed to impress me."

With useless information.

Kind of a backhanded compliment.

I decided to show off.

"I know a lot about astronomy and space. I was pretty into it for a while."

"Don't bother bragging to me. I see right through it. It's not like you know anything else."

"Words can hurt, you know."

"Then call the word police."

"..............."

Even the real police were no match for her.

"I do know things! Like, um, for example, do you know why there's a rabbit on the moon?"

"There is no rabbit on the moon, Araragi-kun. You're in high school now, you should know these things."

"Say there is."

Wait, was that right?

Say there was?

Confusing.

"Once upon a time there was a god, or a Buddha maybe...same difference. There was a god, and for that god a rabbit threw itself onto a fire, and burned to death -- sacrificing itself to the god. This god was touched by this act of self-sacrifice, and put the rabbit on the moon so we'd never forget it."

I'd just seen the story on TV as a kid, and I didn't remember it all that well, so it wasn't exactly an exhaustive bit of knowledge, but I had the gist of it.

"Wow, that god is a prick. Made a mockery of that poor rabbit."

"That's not really the point."

"And the rabbit too -- you can totally see it trying to get on god's side by sacrificing itself. Scheming little shit."

"It's really not about that."

"Well, I certainly can't understand it," she snapped, and started taking off her clothes again.

"Okay, you're really just flaunting your body at me, aren't you?"

"I don't have a body worth flaunting. It was just inside out and backwards."

"That's quite an accomplishment."

"I'll admit I'm not great at getting dressed."

"You're like a child."

"No. They're heavy."

"Erp."

Missed that one.

If her shoes were heavy, her clothes would be too.

At ten times their regular weight, clothes were not to be trifled with.

I was ashamed.

It had been a careless remark, completely lacking in tact.

"I might get tired of this but I do not get used to it. But you are more learned than I expected, Araragi-kun. Allow me to express mild surprise. There may actually be a brain inside your skull."

"Of course there is."

"Of course...? That a brain can form inside the skull of your ilk is a miracle."

"Now you're just being mean."

"Don't worry, I'm just stating the truth."

"At least one person in this room clearly deserves to die."

"? Hoshina-sensei isn't here."

"Did you just wish death upon our beloved homeroom teacher?"

"Is the crab the same?"

"Hunh?"

"Did a crab throw itself on the fire like the rabbit?"

"Oh, um, no, I don't know the crab's story. Must have one somewhere. Never thought about it. Because the moon has seas?"

"The moon has no seas. And you seemed so sure you were saying something clever."

"Eh? It doesn't? But they --"

"Your knowledge of astronomy astounds. They are only seas in name."

"Oh."

Hmm.

I guess I couldn't compete with actual smart people.

"So your true identity is revealed, Araragi-kun. It was sloppy of me to expect anything but ignorance from you."

"You really do think I'm an idiot, don't you?"

"How did you know!?"

"You seem genuinely surprised!"

She thought she'd hidden it?

Really?

"This is all my fault. Because of me, you have realized what a mess your little mind is. I feel responsible."

"Hang on a minute, am I really this abysmally dumb?"

"Never fear. I do not judge people by their grades."

"You've already judged what mine are!"

"Try not to spit. Bad grades are catching."

"Look, we go to the same school."

"But will both of us graduate?"

"Erp..."

That was actually in doubt.

"I will move on to grad school. You will drop out of high school."

"I'm third year! I just have to finish it out!"

"Yet soon you will be begging me to let you quit, tears running down your cheeks."

"I've never heard anyone talk like that outside of manga!"

"Compare standard scores. Mine is 74."

"Argh."

She'd already won.

"Only 46."

"That rounds down to zero."

"What? No it doesn't, it's a six...wait, you're rounding down the tens place! What have you done to my standard score!?"

She had me beat by nearly thirty but had to whip the corpse!

"I don't feel I've won unless the margin is at least a hundred."

"You've rounded your own tens place, too!?"

Ruthless.

"Good, from now on, please remain at least twenty thousand kilometers away from me at all times."

"I've been banished from the Earth!?"

"Did that god even bother eating the rabbit?"

"Hunh? Oh, back to the story. Did he eat it? If the story covered that, it would be pretty grisly."

"It already is."

"I dunno. I'm stupid, remember?"

"Don't sulk. You might make me less happy."

"You have no pity at all, do you?"

"Pitying you will not bring peace to this world."

"If you can save a single soul, don't start talking globally! Extend a helping hand to those in front of you! I'm sure you can do it!"

"Okay, all done."

Senjogahara was now wearing a white tank top, a white jacket, and a white flare skirt.

"If this all goes well, a trip to Hokkaido to eat crab is in order."

"We can eat crab without going to Hokkaido, and it's out of season anyway, but if you want to, then go ahead."

"You're coming too."

"Why!?"

"Didn't you know?" Senjogahara smiled. "Crab is delicious."

Bakemonogatari: Hitagi Crab 006

Our home town was on the fringes of the suburbs.

At night it was very dark. Pitch black. The abandoned building was so distant from daylight it seemed the same inside or out.

I'd been born and raised here so this did not seem strange, did not seem mystifying in any way -- in fact, it was the normal order of things, the natural way of the world -- but Oshino had traveled far and wide, and he said that discrepancy was the root of many problems.

It was nice having the roots so easily found.

According to him, anyway.

At any rate...

It was just after midnight.

Senjogahara and I rode back to the ruined cram school. She had taken a cushion from her home and attached it to her seat on the back of the bike.

We'd eaten nothing, and were hungry.

I parked the bike in the same place, and we slipped through the gap in the fence. Oshino was waiting for us outside the door.

As if he'd been there the whole time.

"...eh?"

Oshino's clothing seemed to surprise Senjogahara.

He was wearing white holy robes -- jōe. He'd even combed his hair; he looked like a different person. One not at all slovenly.

Clothes make the man.

Why did he seem creepier like this?

"Oshino-san...you're a priest?"

"No, not at all?" he said. "Neither priest nor monk. Went to school for it, but never got a job. It was complicated."

"Complicated?"

"Personal reasons. Boils down to just getting sick of it all. The clothes serve the same function as yours. I just didn't have anything else clean. We're meeting a god here, so I've got to clean up, same as you. Set the right tone. Tone is important. When I fought Araragi-kun, I had a cross in one hand, a bunch of garlic hanging off me, and some Holy Water. Fit the situation. I may not have much use for manners, but I know what I'm doing here. You won't catch me waving a wand around and scattering salt on your head."

"O-okay," Senjogahara said.

It was certainly a surprise seeing him like this, but her reaction seemed a bit too strong. Why?

"You look nice and purified. Good. Just to be sure, you're not wearing make-up?"

"I didn't think it would be a good idea, so no."

"Good. Right decision. You took a shower too, Araragi-kun?"

"Yeah. No problem there."

It was a necessary step if I was going to sit in on things. I avoided mentioning Senjogahara's attempt to peek on me in the shower.

"Yet you look exactly the same."

"Yeah, yeah."

Since I was just an observer, I had not changed clothes at all. Of course I looked the same.

"Let's get this over with. Prepared a space upstairs."

"A space?"

"Yes."

Oshino vanished into the darkness inside. Even in white clothes he was swallowed instantly. Once again, I took Senjogahara's hand, and led her after him.

"'Let's get this over with?' Not exactly taking this seriously, then?" I asked.

"What's that supposed to mean? I've dragged two young kids out to a deserted location in the middle of the night. My responsibility to get you back home and in bed as soon as I can."

"I was just wondering it we can really kick this crab's ass that easily."

"What a violent proposition, Araragi-kun. Did something good happen?" Oshino said, not even glancing back. "It's not like you and Shinobu-chan, or Class President-chan and the sex cat. And don't forget, I'm a pacifist. I normally avoid violence at all costs. You and Class President-chan were both targeted maliciously, but that doesn't apply to this crab."

"It doesn't?"

If there was a victim, didn't that imply malice, imply hostility?

"Like I said, we're dealing with a god. Gods are just there. They don't do anything. They simply exist. Just like you simply go home after school. It's her own fault this happened."

No harm. No assault.

No possession.

'Her own fault' was not the nicest way to put it, but Senjogahara said nothing. Either it made sense to her, or she had steeled herself to take whatever he might say, mindful of what we were about to do.

"So we won't be banishing it or kicking its ass, Araragi-kun. Put that kind of thing out of your mind. We are going to ask it for a favor. Ask for its mercy."

"Ask it...?"

"Yes."

"Will it agree to that? Will it just give Senjogahara her weight back?"

"Can't say for sure, but probably. Not like wandering by a shrine on New Year's, after all. They're not so indifferent they'd ignore an earnest entreaty. Gods are always looking at the big picture. Japanese gods are particularly out of it. They care about humanity as a whole, maybe, but as individuals? They don't really notice us. We don't matter at all. They can't tell me apart from you apart from Shinobu-chan. Age, gender, weight -- doesn't matter. We're all just 'human.' We're all the same thing."

The same thing.

Not just similar. The same.

"Hmm. Very different from curses."

"So," Senjogahara said, as if she'd been trying to work up the nerve to ask. "Is the crab...nearby?"

"Yeah. Nearby, near to everywhere. But to make it come here, we need to do some things."

We reached the third floor.

And went into one of the classrooms.

The entire room was covered in Shinto holy ropes. All the desks and chairs had been removed, and in front of the chalkboard was an alter. An offering placed on the stand. It didn't look like something hastily thrown together while we were gone. Lamps were lit in the corners, bathing the room in soft light.

"A barrier, basically. Makeshift holy ground. Nothing fancy. You can relax," he said, looking at Senjogahara.

"I am...relaxed."

"Good to hear." We stepped inside. "Both of you -- lower your gaze, and keep your head down."

"Eh?"

"You're before a god."

We all stood before the alter.

This was so different from how we'd dealt with mine, or with Hanekawa's. I was the one who wasn't relaxed. The air felt tense -- so tense it could drive a man mad.

I hunkered down.

Ready for anything.

I was not religious; like most people my age, I could barely tell the difference between Shinto and Buddhism, but there was a part of me, instinct or something similar, that reacted to times like this.

To this time.

And place.

"Um, Oshino..."

"What, Araragi-kun?"

"I was just thinking...given the situation and this whole space you've made...should I even be here? Just feel like I'm in the way."

"You won't be. I doubt there'll be any problems, but just in case there is... You gotta think about what might happen in a just-in-case scenario. That happens, you'll need to shield her."

"I will?"

"What else is that immortal body for?"

"....................."

That certainly was a good line, but I was pretty sure that wasn't what it was for.

And I wasn't immortal any more.

"Araragi-kun," Senjogahara said. "You will protect me, won't you?"

"When did you become a princess!?"

"Oh, come on. You were planning on killing yourself tomorrow anyway."

"That didn't last long."

That was the sort of them you wouldn't even say behind someone's back, but she'd just said it to my face. I might have to give some serious thought to figuring out what terrible sin I'd committed in a previous life to deserve such vicious spite.

"I'm not asking you to do it for free."

"What'll you give me?"

"You want a material reward? How shallow. I'm not exaggerating when I say that single question encompasses all your failings as a human being."

"...so what'll you do for me?"

"Let's see...I suppose I'll abandon my plan to spread a rumor that you're such a creep you tried to equip Nera with the slave clothes when you played Dragon Quest V."

"I never did!"

And she'd planned to tell everyone?

How heartless.

"It should have been obvious you couldn't put those on her. Even a monkey would know that. No, I suppose in your case it would be 'even a dog', right?"

"Hang on! You might be acting like you just said something terribly clever, but has there been a single description of me this entire time that suggested I resembled a dog in any way?"

"True," Senjogahara laughed. "It wouldn't be fair to the dog."

"......................!!"

Even a cliche line like that could be devastating when used with such impeccable timing. This woman truly was a master insulter.

"Very well. Be a coward, run away with your tail between your legs. Go home and do what you always do: sit alone and pretend to be tasered."

"What kind of sick pastime is that!?"

How many malicious rumors was she planning to start?

"When you reach my level, the likes of you cannot hope to hide anything. I know all your deepest dullest secrets."

"You used the wrong word and somehow made it worse!? Are you blackmailing the universe!?"

I wouldn't put it past her.

I'd definitely rather have dark secrets than dull ones.

"Anyway, Oshino, instead of using me, you could use the vamp...Shinobu. Like we did with Hanekawa."

"Shinobu's already gone beddy bye," Oshino said.

"......................"

A vampire that slept at night.

That was so sad.

Oshino took the offering of sake off the alter, and handed it to Senjogahara.

"Um...what do I...?" she stammered.

"Drinking alcohol decreases the distance between us and gods. It'll help you relax a little, anyway."

"...I'm underage."

"No need to drink that much. Just a sip."

"...................."

She stared at him for a long moment, and then took a drink. He took the cup from her hands, and placed it back on the alter.

"Okay. First, let's calm ourselves."

Facing forwards...

His back to Senjogahara, Oshino spoke.

"We begin by being calm. Mood is important. If we create a proper space, the ritual itself is not a problem -- it all boils down to how you feel."

"How I feel...?"

"Relax. Let your guard down. This is your place. A place where you belong. Put your head down, close your eyes, and count. One. Two. Three."

Perhaps...

I didn't need to follow suit, but I chose to. I closed my eyes, and counted with her. As I did, I realized...

This was all to set the tone.

Oshino's clothes, the ropes, the alter, the shower -- all designed to put Senjogahara in the necessary frame of mind.

Hypnotic suggestion.

He was basically hypnotizing her.

Take away her self-consciousness, relax her guard, and convince her to trust him -- his approach was different, but he'd had to go through much the same process with me and with Hanekawa. Salvation was for those who believed -- in other words, the first step was to get Senjogahara to accept things.

Senjogahara herself had said...

She only half trusted him.

But...

That wasn't enough.

She needed more.

Trust was important.

This was what Oshino meant when he said he would not save her, but she would save herself.

I opened my eyes.

Looked around.

Torches.

Flickering in the corners.

Wind from the window.

The lights flickering, ready to vanish in the first strong gust.

But they did not.

"Are we calm?"

"Yes."

"Then time for some questions. Answer the questions I ask you. What's your name?"

"Senjogahara Hitagi."

"Your school?"

"Naoetsu High School."

"Your birthday?"

"July 7th."

His questions were pointless, their contents without meaning.

Question after question.

The pace never changing.

Oshino's back to her.

Senjogahara's eyes closed, her head down.

Her face turned towards the floor.

The room so quiet you could hear us breathing, almost hear our hearts beating.

"Your favorite writer?"

"Yumeno Kyusaku."

"A mistake you made as a child?"

"I don't want to answer that."

"An old song you like?"

"I don't listen to music."

"What did you think when you graduated elementary school?"

"I was just moving to a different school. Public school to public school."

"What was your first crush like?"

"I don't want to answer that."

"What was the most painful moment," Oshino said, his tone never changing, "in your life?"

"........................."

Senjogahara failed to answer.

She did not refuse. She just fell silent.
I could tell this was the only question that had mattered.

"What's wrong? The most painful thing you can remember."

"...my..."

Clearly, she could not stay silent.

She could not refuse to answer.

The mood did not allow it.

This space did not permit it.

She'd been led here to answer.

"My mother..."

"Your mother?"

"Joined a cult."

And a particularly bad one.

She told me earlier...

...how her mother emptied her bank account, took out loans, drove them into financial ruin. How even after the divorce, her father was working overtime every day, barely sleeping, trying to pay off those loans.

Was this her most painful memory?

Worse than losing her weight?

Of course.

Of course it was worse.

But...it...

It was...

"Is that all?"

"...all?"

"It's not very much. Japanese laws guarantee religious freedom. Freedom to believe what you want is a fundamental human right. Whatever your mother believes, whatever she worships, the only difference is methodology."

"......................"

"In other words...it's not enough," Oshino insisted. "Tell me what happened."

"What hap...m-my mother...for me. She joined the cult, they tricked her..."

"What happened after your mother joined the cult?"

After.

Senjogahara bit her lip.

"S-she brought a man from the cult home with her."

"A man from the cult. What did he do?"

"A-a purification ritual, he said."

"Purification? Purifying what?"

"He said he...had to purify me." She could barely get the words out. "Th-then he assaulted me."

"Assaulted. Violently? Or...sexually?"

"...sexually. Th-that man..." Senjogahara forced herself to say it. "He tried to rape me."

"...I see," Oshino nodded.

The way Senjogahara...

...was so oddly protective of herself.

Trusted no one.

Was so defensive and so aggressive.

This explained all of it.

And why she'd reacted like that when she saw Oshino in those robes.

To her eyes, they must not have been that different from what the cult wore.

"Even though he was a priest."

"That's a Buddhist perspective. There are religions that allow murder, within the family. Beliefs are not universal. But you said 'tried' -- was he not successful?"

"I grabbed my cleats, and hit him."

"...brave."

"He started bleeding. Writhing in pain."

"And you were safe?"

"I was safe."

"Good."

"But my mother didn't help me."

She'd watched the whole thing.

Senjogahara's voice never wavered.

Never faltered.

"She yelled at me."

"Is that all?"

"No. Because I hurt that man...my mother..."

"...was penalized?" Oshino cut ahead of her.

Even I could have guessed the answer, but...it seemed to work on Senjogahara.

"Yes," she said, nodding solemnly.

"Her daughter hurt a church official. Not surprising."

"Right. That's why...all our money. Our home. Our property. All the loans. She destroyed our family. Completely ruined it, ruined everything, but she kept on destroying things. She still is."

"Where is she now?"

"I don't know."

"You must know."

"I'm sure...she's still with them."

"She still believes."

"She never learned. She feels no shame."

"That hurts?"

"It does."

"Why does it hurt? She's not your mother any more."

"I keep thinking. If I hadn't...if I hadn't fought back. Then...none of this would have happened."

Her family would still be together.

They'd never have been torn apart.

"Do you think that?"

"I do...think that."

"Really?"

"...I do."

"Then that...is what you think," Oshino said. "No matter how much it weighs, you have to carry that burden. You can't make others carry it for you."

"Make others...?"

"Keep your eyes steady. Open your eyes...and look."

And...

Oshino opened his eyes.

Senjogahara did the same.

Torches in the corners.

Their flames flickering.

Our shadows...

...our shadows wavering.

Wobbling.

Swirling.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Senjogahara screamed.

Her head was still lowered, barely; her eyes wide like she could not believe them. Her body trembled. Sweat poured down her face.

She was panicking.

Senjogahara was panicking.

"Do you...see something?" Oshino said.

"I do. It's the same...a giant crab. I see a crab."

"Okay. I don't see a thing," he said, turning around and looking at me. "Can you see it, Araragi-kun?"

"...no."

All I could see...

Were flickering lights.

And writhing shadows.

Almost the same as seeing nothing.

I could not make it out.

"I can't...see much of anything."

"See?" Oshino turned back to Senjogahara. "You don't really see a crab, do you?"

"I do. Clearly. I can see it."

"A trick of the mind."

"No. It's here."

"Okay. Then..."

He followed her gaze.

As if there was something there.

As if there was something there.

"Then there's something you need to say."

"Say...?"

Then...

She must not have been thinking.

It wasn't a conscious choice, I'm sure.

But Senjogahara raised her head.

I suppose...

This was all too much for her.

Just a mistake.

But the reason for it didn't matter.

Human reasons didn't matter.

The instant she looked up, Senjogahara went flying backwards.

She was flung backwards.

Like she weighed nothing at all, her feet never touching the ground, very fast. Until she slammed into the chalkboard at the far end of the room.

Slammed into it...

...and stayed there.

Not falling.

Pinned to the wall.

Crucified.

"S-senjogahara!"

"Tch. I told you to shield her, Araragi-kun. You always did trip up when you were most needed. What are you standing there for?"

He looked disappointed. It had all happened in the blink of an eye, so I'm not sure I deserved it.

Senjogahara was plastered against the chalkboard as if gravity had changed direction.

Her body pressing into the wall.

Cracks had appeared on the wall around her.

Like she was being crushed against it.

She groaned, unable to scream.

In pain.

But I still couldn't see anything.

She was just plastered against the wall, held there by nothing. But she could see it.

The crab.

A giant crab.

The crab of burden.

"Oh well. Man, what a picky god. Hadn't even greeted the thing yet. What a nice guy. Did something good happen?"

"Uh...Oshino..."

"Yeah, yeah. Change of plans. No help for it. Either way works for me. Always did."

He sighed, and shuffled over to her.

Looking fed up.

Then he reached out...

...and grabbed the air a few inches from her face.

And yanked.

"Hokay," he muttered, and slammed whatever it was into the floor, hard, like a judo throw. There was no sound. No dust scattered. But he slammed it to the ground just as hard as it had Senjogahara -- maybe even harder. And without pausing for breath, he jumped on top of it.

Stomped on a god.

Violently.

Disrespectful and sacrilegious.

This pacifist was not in awe of any god.

".............."

From where I stood, it looked like Oshino was performing a mime routine. A particularly frenzied one. Currently he was standing on one leg, maintaining his balance perfectly. But to Senjogahara's eyes...

It must be quite a sight.

Her eyes had nearly popped out of her head.

Whatever was keeping her fixed to the wall must have let go, because she slid to the ground. It was not that far a fall, and she weighed next to nothing, so it would normally not have been much of an impact, but it took her completely by surprise, and she landed awkwardly.

"You okay?" Oshino called out, staring fixedly at his own feet.

His eyes narrowed, as if measuring the value of something.

"Crabs. No matter how big they are -- actually, the bigger the better -- once you flip them over, they're done for. Flat bodies were made to be stomped on, if you ask me. What do you say, Araragi-kun?" he asked. "We could start over. Would take time. Might be faster for me to just crush it."

"Crush it? Well...all she did was raise her head for a second."

"That's enough, though. More than enough. We're led by feelings, here. If we can't ask nicely, we've got to play a more dangerous game. Like we did with the demon and the cat. If words won't work, we have to fight. Same way governments work. If I crush it, well, her problem resolves. Technically. Can't recommend it; the root of the problem remains. Treating the symptoms. Like cutting a weed instead of digging it out. But maybe that's enough..."

"Maybe?"

"You see, Araragi-kun," Oshono said, grinning. "I really hate crabs."

Too hard to eat.

He leaned forward.

Putting his weight on it.

"Wait."

A voice behind him.

It belonged to Senjogahara.

Patting her grazed knees, she sat up.

"Wait. Please, Oshino-san."

"Wait?" he said, looking back at her.

His smile not fading.

"Wait for what?"

"I was just surprised," she said. "But I can do this. I can handle it."

"Hunh."

He did not take his foot away.

It kept the crab pinned down.

But he didn't crush it.

"Then go ahead."

And Senjogahara...

Did something I found extremely hard to believe. She knelt down, straightened up her back, put her hands on the floor, and slowly, with deep respect...bowed to the thing under Oshino's foot.

Her head nearly touched the floor.

Senjogahara Hitagi had voluntarily humbled herself before it.

Without anyone telling her to do so.

"I'm sorry."

First, she apologized.

"And...thank you."

Then, she expressed gratitude.

"But...it's gone on long enough. These are my feelings. My thoughts. My memories. I will take them back. I should never have lost them."

And finally...

"Please. Please. Give me back my weight. My burden."

Her last words were a prayer, a plea.

"Give my mother back to me."

With a thud, Oshino's foot hit the floor.

Not because he had stomped on it.

It was just not there any more.

As if it had never been there.

It was gone.

Oshino Meme said nothing. He just stood there.

Even though she knew it was gone, Senjogahara Hitagi did not sit up. She simply started crying. All Araragi Koyomi could do watch watch.

And begin to wonder if Senjogahara really, really, really was a tsundere.